Why Being Needy Isn’t Good

People can’t stand someone who is needy. I can’t stand a needy person. Being needed every once in a while is nice, but being needed all the time feels almost too draining. It is suffocating.

When I asked for a guy’s perspective on the matter, they said that being needy is flat out unattractive.

So here’s a scenario: say you like someone and you’re talking about them to all your friends, but you have no idea if this kid likes you or not.  You’re constantly giving them attention, without having any reinforcements showing you that this person really shares your feelings.

You are so dependent on them that you don’t realize how much you are actually hurting yourself. In short, being needy is not a good thing.

When you’re in a relationship, being too needy can lead to only one thing: the break-up.

Now this post aims to help you or someone you know, how to not be needy, what you can do instead, and how to be conscious of it in a relationship.

I’m not saying you should be so independent that you must show to everyone how un-needy you are, because where are people needed if you claim this? But what I’m saying is you have to be able to find a happy medium that isn’t too stand-off-ish or too needy, and that can be hard. So that’s where I come in.

You are dependent on a person, instead of on yourself

Being needy shows a lack of self worth. It shows that you depend on someone for your own happiness or sense of security. I have gotten so tired of hearing needy people say things like “My heart is aching for someone to love me” , “he is my world” or my favorite, “Woe is me, I am so tired of being left out in the cold with my heart broken”

Wake. The. F%^&. Up

You are a strong, man or woman. You are capable of having your own happiness, and having that same happiness stem from within yourself. You do not need to rely on someone who can “light up your world like nobody else”, light up your own world. You are in control of your own happiness.

Do you need someone to keep you warm at night? Not necessarily. Learn how to do that on your own. Learn to be alone and content with yourself. Sometimes, it is okay to focus on yourself, focus on what you need and how you can supply some of these things that you look for in a person (i.e warmth, love, cuddles, etc). Again, I am not saying that you have to be a lone wolf, but what I am saying is that you should learn to treat yourself with the same love and warmth as one would in a relationship, for the time being, until you find the right person.

Now, I’m gonna tell you a little story. As crazy as it sounds, I used to be needy.

WHAT?! ME?

Yes. you read correctly. I remember one time my freshman year in college, I sparked up a conversation with this kid and next thing I know, I’m texting him non-stop, feeling sorry for myself every time he didn’t answer me back, the whole enchilada.

But it turned out that I just liked the idea of him. I didn’t take into account the subtle social cues he was using to let me down easy.  I didn’t see or take into account how he made me feel, but instead fixated on how I was making him feel. So when I “fell for him”, I was surprised and crushed at the fact that he did not feel the same way.

Through many lessons I learned in my first year of college, I learned a lot about myself and how to be conscious of the neediness I had expressed. I am not a perfect person. I am still working on this and it has been so invigorating being able to see my worth in myself rather than on another person. Finding your worth is also a work in progress and something one should always strive for everyday.

Finding a happy medium between independent and needy

Being independent is one extreme, but being needy is another extreme.

So here is a pro and cons list of independent and needy

Pros

  • Pro of being independent: You rely on yourself and not on others to achieve your goals.
  • Pro of being needy: none

Cons

  • con of being independent:  If you’re too independent and insist that you don’t need help at all in accomplishing your goals, it makes you look bad. It makes you sound like you are so much better off without them. While it may not be what you say, it could be something that you do very often and vice versa.
  • con of being needy: what was just outlined before. If you rely on someone for your overall happiness, where does that leave you? You end up looking like an overly- obsessed girlfriend or boyfriend.

So please learn to be conscious of when you are needy with such actions as:

  • Texting/Calling bae or someone you’re ‘talking’ to more than three times a day.
  • Talking about the person you’re talking to when the other party hasn’t even asked about how your relationship is progressing.
  • Relying on them as your only source of happiness
  • Being a little impatient or jealous when you see a photo with another girl or guy who just is their friend.

Finding a happy medium in all of this could be as simple as not doing any of the behaviors I just listed.

This list could go on, but if you have anything to add on the matter, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments below!

Thanks for stopping by!

Advertisements

The Power of Communication

“It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.”

I’m sure we’ve all heard this at least once in our lives. We, as human beings learn from a very young age how to communicate using various sounds, movements that facilitate a message that lets the other party know what it is we want.

As we get older, we learn that communicating the way that we used to, doesn’t always work and we have to resort to another means of communication: using our words to convey what we want. The amazing thing about communication, though, is the fact that it is never ending. Communication episodes (just a fancy term for conversations), as they’re called, are not just complete with verbal communication, but nonverbal communication, as well.

Sometimes what isn’t said, is shown. For example, you could be having a communication episode with another person who is talking about cars. You’re not too interested in cars, but you try to stay engaged in the conversation. You might ask questions so that it looks like you’re engaged. Making eye-contact is a nonverbal and with that it indicates that they have your undivided attention. But let’s throw in the fact that this person just won’t shut up about the specific parts they used to make their “baby”, your nonverbals begin to show. In other words, you tighten up, you are taking deep breaths. I mean it’s only a matter of time before you practically explode. Then again, through those nonverbals, you are giving off the impression that you are losing interest in the subject matter. So what do you do?

Do you listen to this person drone on, despite already being impatient? or Do you try to change the subject?

When you listen on, your nonverbal communication can gradually increase. Your actions could go from being just impatient to impatient and pissed. So that is a no-go.

Changing the subject would be a better idea because not only are you allowing time for yourself to come up for air, you can talk about things that you and the other person have a common interest in.

Wow. The second answer was so seamless! Yeah. Surprisingly, a lot of conflict can be avoided with proper communication.

Granted, how you say things and how you phrase them, are also part of the battle. So here is a scenario…

Original:  “Matty is being a dick, he says he doesn’t want to be seen with me, yet his actions say otherwise”

How you said it: you don’t like how this guy is treating you, by the looks of it, he could be using you.

How you phrased it: condescending tone; visibly frustrated, tired of a constant pattern that is taking shape.

What can be done to remedy a misunderstanding like this…?

COMMUNICATION BETWEEN BOTH PARTIES!!!

Solution: talk to this Matty person, tell him that he is making you feel like crap and that you don’t want to be playing this game where he doesn’t know what he wants.

Essentially by telling the person how they made you feel, you are then able to make your emotions known to the other person. Simple. But not a lot of people do it. If you think about it, not making your emotions known to someone, reinforces the belief they have that everything is okay. Regardless of what kind of relationship it is. You’re not in high school anymore, so quit assuming and reading too much into what another person is saying to you.

Here’s another scenario:

Original: “Oh my god, Tiffany just texted me this! She says that I ‘can’t hang’, how rude. ugh this calls for a petty response!”

How you said it: You’re surprised at this chick’s response and by the looks of it, you’re not sure what she meant, so your first instinct is to go full-on bitch mode.

How they phrased it: Shaken after reading a text; deciding to go full bitch mode, but also not sure about going that route.

This is another example of another kind of misunderstanding.

Solution: Why don’t you ask, “hey what did you mean when you said *insert their comment here* ?”. Explain how he/she made you feel when they said that and hopefully from there, you two can come to an understanding. Also, don’t resort to text message, if you know that your statement could be taken both ways. Better yet, if you’re not sure if something sounds wrong, then don’t send it. Instead, wait for the next time to talk to the person or if you don’t have the luxury of seeing them, call them up.

Bottom line: Communication is the key to healthy relationships. It is always necessary. Even though verbal communication ends when the conversation ends, nonverbal communication doesn’t. The way that we should navigate misunderstandings and miscommunication is by looking for a common ground so that both parties can be heard and understood.

Sending lots of love and light your way!

The Drawbacks of Social Media

Hey, I know its been a while, I’ve been so busy with end of the semester stuff, but I’m happy to be back on here doing what I love! I hope you enjoy what I have put together in this post!

So Social Media… Is it all it’s cracked up to be? What’s its purpose? Is it used to show people up?

The whole purpose that social media serves is for us to keep in contact with the people we have had the pleasure of knowing throughout the years. but because life happens, we don’t have the privilege of seeing them as much as we’d like. That’s why creators of many social media sites like Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and the like have created these platforms because they had a concept that we resonated with: we want to stay in contact with friends from childhood, family, and colleagues. But in the process of doing all of that, have we become so connected to the social media world, that we forget about the real world face to face contact we should be having with someone?

I watched this video on Facebook about the effects that social media has on our society, a while back(ironic, right?). In the 3-5 minutes of this video- that’s how long it was- it outlined the main problem with social media: as we become more connected to what’s happening, we’re passing up face to face contact with people and plugging into a world where we think we’re connecting with people, via (*insert Social Media site here*) but in reality it could be drawing us apart.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I live under a rock and refuse to use social media. I use social media and personally, for an outgoing person like myself, I find absolute joy in posting pictures and sharing little snippets of my life.

But there comes a point where there should be some level of privacy. Like for example, I used to post just about anything and everything I was doing on Facebook, who’s birthday it was on Instagram (before they had that ‘stories’ feature), and any random thing on Twitter. I began to plug myself in and realize that these likes were ones that would determine my worth and I thought that the more I’d share, the more recognized I would be. In all seriousness though, now I look back at this and just think “boy, was I naive or what?”. There are certain things that should definitely be kept on the DL(down-low). Like if you are out with bae on a date, don’t snapchat your whole date with the world, because where is the fun in date night if you’re too focused on your post?

Part of the reason why I stopped posting a whole lot on social media was because I realized that in the end it doesn’t matter who liked my post and I really shouldn’t seek validation from a group of people who really only like a status update or a picture for the sole purpose of approval. I stopped caring a long time ago about it. Now, I’ll login to Facebook, post something new, some pictures from an adventure, or share something that really speaks to me, etc. but that’s it. I don’t worry too much because frankly it takes up too much head space. I don’t go on social media as much, and that is well within my rights.  On some days, I’ll post highlights and on other days, when I am doing something exciting, I’ll document the whole day. But it’s all in moderation.

Back on the subject of seeking validation, I learned that back when I took a Mass Communications course, my professor told me that there is a theory called Social Comparison Theory. Social Comparison Theory is a psychological theory that happens as we are looking at magazines, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat,(basically engaging in any form with the media) and we base our own self-worth on how we stack up against others. We look at these posts and think, wow that’s really cool how her bathing suit fits her or wow that vacation house looks like a dream. Sometimes, when we take it too far, it becomes a problem. That’s part of how eating disorders, mental illnesses, and other stresses happen. The media can be a dark place.

You have to keep in mind that while all these photos look glamorous and professional, they’re only showing you one perspective of their world. Sometimes, Social media sites can be a little biased, in that the people who share bits and pieces of their lives,  they only will post the photo that holds up this outer layer of ‘how ‘glamorous’ their lives are. You don’t know what could be going on in their lives. So don’t always assume that someone has a life that you dream of living, because there could be some underlying issues that they refuse to talk about with the rest of the world. In short, people will most likely post about whatever successes they have had in their lives. So just because you see someone having a greater success than you, doesn’t mean that you haven’t had any successes of your own. Never compare yourself to people. You’re doing all you can to achieve your goal and they’re doing all they can to achieve their own.

I like to think we all live some pretty cool lives. Each person you have that follows you has an opportunity to see a little bit of your world. Don’t down play that. Always keep in mind that, there is more to life than being on social media the whole time. When you choose to disconnect from it, life can be just as, if not more, fun.

Where Being Honest and Authentic Get You In Your Professional Life

Hello everyone! I hope you are all enjoying the fall weather and all its festivities! What are some of your favorite fall festivities? I personally like pumpkin picking, hay rides and apple picking! So piggybacking off of a more recent blog post (link here) I’m going to talk more about the importance of authenticity and being honest with yourself in today’s modern world

Being authentic is an integral part of professional life. I mean people want to work with someone who is real (am I wrong?). Someone who really knows what’s going on, especially in terms of what your career is. Okay! So think of this scenario, imagine you’re the boss of this awesome business and you are looking for people who share the same passion you have, are willing to create more, and contribute to the ideas you have for this business. Now that you have an idea of who you want on your team, you are not settling for anything less than that ( and if you are, then you should probably get you priorities straight and get focused). You are not going to bring along someone who ACTS like they care about the job and the business you are trying to promote, nor are you going to bring along someone who is just in it for the “yearly bonus” or salary. You made it explicitly clear that you want focused, driven, passionate individuals. When you’re driven to do something, money doesn’t matter and the right job will definitely bring your best self to the table. Your dream job should be everything that you look for in a job and more, it should go in accordance with your dreams and your overall drive in life.

A job isn’t a one size fits all type of thing, it’s either you like the job you’re doing or you don’t. It’s quite simple, I really don’t understand why people stick around at a job that constantly stresses them out and does nothing but bring in negative energy. That negative energy is dangerous and all of you have heard me say it before so I’ll say this again and louder for those in the back, when you bring in negative energies into your life, you are opening yourself up to a lot of stress and many illnesses associated with it, including mental health illnesses. So don’t quit the job just because you don’t like it, quit the job because you see that it doesn’t do you any good sticking around something that really drains you.

Image result for 11 laws of likability

A while back, I had gotten this book as a gift from my parents. The book is called The 11 Laws of Likability: Relationship Networking . . . Because People Do Business with People They Like by Michelle Tillis Lederman. In this book, Michelle talks about these 11 laws of likability and how she was able to apply these laws in not just her professional life, but in her personal life, as well. She goes in to detail and talks about how when she was teaching this Business course, student made her realize that we, as human beings, have a strong desire of being liked by other people.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we really do care about being well liked by our superiors at work or by our very own professors in college. Michelle also teaches you how to network with potential employers and with being able to relate to different kinds of people in your everyday life.  Now, this book doesn’t help you get people to like you. It’s more about getting people to like you AND doing so, by just being yourself. This book has done an amazing job in terms of helping me find who I am and how I can uncover my authentic self. Regardless of your career, I definitely recommend this book to anyone who is willing to embark on a journey of self discovery into finding out your most authentic self. I hope this book gets you to where you need to be in your academic, professional, personal life and more!

Like I’ve said before, I have no tolerance and no time for fake people, Why should I even be around people who don’t value me or see me the way I see my most authentic self?

Through that book and many other resources in my life, I have been able to walk away from people and things that just drain me, fill me up with doubt, and make me feel less like myself. Honestly, if I had stayed around at the retail job that I used to work at, I think I’d become a more different person than who I am now. I wouldn’t be following my heart or what I wanted, I would be following the way of a lot of people who just don’t like their jobs and are only in the job because the pay is decent. Why should you even settle for something that’s just ‘decent’? When you have the ability to go further.

Now, I’m the kind of person where I’d rather be out here looking for my authentic self.  In my journey of self-discovery, I realize that friends-who actually value me- to be with will eventually come at some point. Either way, as long as I know that I am living my best AND authentic life, I know that everything else (i.e friends, new career, etc) will fall into place. Thankfully, I can say that I have found those friends who definitely value me and see me as an authentic individual.

Instead of being stuck at a job that you hate, why not just branch out and go back to school? Now, in today’s world, there are many more resources that can help you become more qualified for the job that you want. All you have to do is look. I see a lot of older people who didn’t have the opportunity to do that, and now they’re following their dreams.  They’re just becoming their most authentic self.

In order for your life to come together, you have to figure out who you are, what you stand for, and most of all how you value yourself. Surround yourself with people who share similar values and who challenge you everyday to be a better person, an authentic person. 

 

Here is Michelle’s book on amazon!

//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=adynamicmenta-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=0814416373&asins=0814416373&linkId=2206baf9e10eb8e92f70bc5f5aae1b4e&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff

Vibe a Little

Learn to Live

UptightPrettyGirl

Lifestyle and Fun

Alys Journals

mental health and lifestyle

UniquelyMe

Why be normal when you can be unique?

%d bloggers like this: