Lessons in Self-Love

Hey guys! This past week has been so crazy, but fun. I booked a photo shoot, caught up with some friends and started my internship at a local radio station. Through it all, however, I’ve been jet lagged as ever from Australia! Last night, was the first time–since Australia– that I managed to get a workout in at the gym. hopefully tonight, I can get another workout in and shake myself free of this dreaded jet lag, haha!

Today’s post hits a little close to home and it’s something I’ve been itching to talk about for the longest time. So I thought I would just open up with some stats (courtesy of http://cultureandyouth.org/body-image/statistics-body-image/body-image-stats/):

  • 20% of teens are either “rarely” or “never” happy with their body image
  • 52% feel that the media pressures them to change their body image
  • 73% of teens feel their appearance affects their body image

Bear in mind though, these aren’t the only stats I found and a lack thereof in self-love, isn’t just limited to teenagers, but also adults. It’s not just women who struggle, but men as well.

But I’m not going to spend this post, spewing statistics at you hoping that you’d understand the importance of how much of an issue body image, self-esteem, and self- confidence is. The bottom line is: It is still a problem. 

As far as I’m concerned, I hope that this post sheds a light on some prevalent issues of today and if you have something to add, feel free to mention it in the comments!

So remember when I said, that this issue isn’t limited to teenagers? A lot of times it starts in adolescence, but no one really talks about it following people into their adulthood, unless something serious, like an eating disorder, happens. Not saying that an eating disorder happens when you view yourself in a negative light, but a lot of things added to the mix can definitely take a toll on your mental health and perception of how things really are. It could go so far as seeing yourself inferior in not just a group of people, but when you’re alone too (more on that here)

Throughout most of my adolescence, I’ve gotten to so many low points where I felt that I was not worthy of a lot of things. Most of that stemmed from my low-self esteem.

This would follow a series of things that filled me up with doubt, surrounding myself with people who didn’t really value me. At one point, my self-confidence was a matter of  saying I was confident, but not believing it. Having that key component of believing in myself and in my endeavors further guided me and took me out of that comfort zone.

However, when I didn’t believe in myself, that became a different story. Whenever I didn’t believe in myself, I realize now that, I unknowingly refused to learn about myself and enjoy the process of being human. Like, if I didn’t believe in my abilities to do well on an assignment or whatever, then that would show through in my work.

The power of the mind is an amazing thing that should never be underestimated. When I talk about the fun adventures I have had, people often say “Wow, I could never do that!”, to which I reply with “not with that attitude” because if you think about it, no one is stopping you from doing the things you love, except for yourself. So unlearn those negative thoughts and begin to put yourself first!

It took me a while to unlearn a lot of self-deprecating habits. For example, to believe and actually love who I am, took me most of my adolescence to overcome. As an adolescent, I never thought that it was possible fully love yourself, just the way you are, and I thought that self-love was complete and utter bullshit. I thought “I love myself” was something people said on a good day, but never actually believed it on just any other day. Part of the reason why I thought self-love was bullshit, was also because I barely had any within myself to realize that I needed to be around different people. 

As a teen, I often put myself in groups where I seriously never fit in. It had nothing to do with size or skin tone, but it had everything to do with values and what I believed in. Granted, in life, we’re going to be around people who don’t really believe in certain viewpoints and that’s fine, but what is important is that the other people acknowledge those views and respect them as well (more on that here) .

Moreover, when I surrounded myself around the right people, I began to see how much happier I was, how much of a better person I could be and how I could achieve more with the right people by my side.

 

I feel like self-love flourishes more when you choose who you want to be around. A lot of times, our inability to engage in self-love is through fault of our environments. The more you say in a negative environment, the less able you are to have that energy you need to improve yourself. Many times, I have had to learn the wrong way, but there’s no fault in that because through it all I have learned to be thankful that those experiences have happened to me and they’ve lead me to the right people in my life.

Another thing I learned in my self-love journey, was to have positive mantras along my mirror. Positive mantras are amazing to have because they help you get into the right mindset for tackling the day. Here are some of my favorites:

“Don’t let your MIND bully your BODY”

“Work out because you love your body, not because you hate it”

“I am STRONG. I am BEAUTIFUL. I am ENOUGH.”

(source: greatist)

Too often, we wake up in the morning and we see ourselves in the mirror like:

and we don’t even give ourselves a chance to think about how good of a day we’ll have or anything! Then we mope along into the bathroom, take a shower, and get ready for our days.

Instead of doing that, try waking up more like

Think about how you will absolutely KILL IT, today and everyday! Stop being afraid of the day and just embrace whatever it brings.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, it is possible to love yourself and self-love goes such a long way. By focusing in on your own self-love journey, you can find the people, places and experiences to push you to become a better person. Always go down the path where you can grow and learn a lot about yourself in the process. The more you focus on your path of self-love, the more you attract people on a similar path. Love the skin you’re in and make it a goal to learn something new about yourself everyday.

Sending Love and Light your way,

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The Mother-Daughter Relationship

Hello my lovely readers! It’s been quite a while since I blogged on here. I had finals left and right and I graduated yesterday, which is just too surreal.

Today’s blogpost is dedicated to all the mothers on this beautiful day. You are loved and you are amazing. You are our first cheerleader and our number one counselor.

But more specifically, this post is going to be about my mom and the many ways in which she is awesome.

My mom is my best friend. She is the most kind and loving mother. Shes been there for everything: my first days at school, boy problems, sticky situations, my teenage years as a whole, move in day, etc. My mom is my rock, she is the one person I can turn to in a time of need.

But it wasn’t always like this (for the most part it has, but let me explain). I remember being in my teenage years and thinking, “what does she know, She’s a MOM.”and every time I thought that, I was always proven wrong. My mom is the wisest person I know. She’s actually been the inspiration for some of my posts (like here and here).

From learning how to cook and learning how to navigate situations, my mom is #1 when it comes to teaching and listening. I can never push anything past her. Seriously. Anytime I feel down, she always asks me “what’s up?” and I go, “nah I’m fine” and she’ll say something like “no seriously what’s up” and it’s like she has a 6th sense, so I eventually tell her what’s up and she’ll tell me, truthfully, if I’m overreacting or if I have a valid reason to feel a certain way, she’ll sit with me and give me advice regardless.IMG_8421

She is literally nominated as the “cool aunt” by my cousins. At first, I never really saw it, because, well I was on the outs with my mom, but I see it now. She reminds me everyday (in some way, shape or form) that a day without laughter is a day wasted.

Even though I get my looks from my dad, I get my creative mindset from her. Shes always pushing me to be a better person and I cannot thank her enough for her constant guidance and lessons. She is my favorite person.

She’s one of those people who sees the good in every person, she saw potential in me, even when I was depressed. She gave me confidence and has impressed on me the importance of things (good and bad) happening for a reason.

For that, she’s my superhero.

Happy Mother’s Day, ma! And to all the amazing women who are doing everything for their children!

As they said at my graduation yesterday, “It is never too late to be a better daughter, a better mother to your children, a better son, a better person”

sending love and light your way,

Downplay

Hey guys! Welcome back to ADM! So I’ve been pretty overwhelmed lately and I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve got only 2 WEEKS (more on that here)  until I graduate. Which means that finals are right around the corner and also means that for the next week or so, my blog posts will be pretty short.

Lately on social media, I’ve been seeing people get awards for things that are within their realm of interest. Whether it be something in each of their academic lives or their professional careers.   Now, I don’t have a problem with that…

I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT!

I love seeing people making use of their talents and actually honing that skill that gets them awards. It’s amazing and I love seeing the look of happiness on their faces!

Maybe, I’m looking waay too far into this… what annoys me though, is how people will say “wow, I never thought this was possible”, “I can’t believe did this” , etc.  I feel like if you have a desire or a dream to do something that you have a passion for, I feel like that passion and the work you put forth, will eventually pay off, in one way or another.

So if you read my last post, I go to a community college. When I started out there, I made clear what one of my goals was: to get into an honor society.

That was my goal from. day. one.

I worked hard and I got into the honor society, because I made that possible. My attitude going into community college was, “okay, I have 4 semesters, or 2 years, let’s make the best of these years”. No bullshit. nada. Just faith that things would eventually work out for me, given my situation.

I didn’t just get into one honor society. BUT 2! The way I look at it is, the first one I got into wasn’t the one I wanted, but it was a stepping stone into the honor society that I wanted to get into.

The thing is though, I get it. Sometimes life doesn’t really work out the way you expect it to. So what’s the point? What if all you do is try hard to achieve your goals and they’re not getting you anywhere? What then?

Breathe. Progress takes time. Maybe you won’t get it the first year you try or even the second year. But just know that success a journey, not a destination. You don’t just get to being successful, you learn, you grow, and you adapt. Success is a process.

If you think about it, the more you think that you’re not going to make it, there’s a chance that you won’t make it! I hate to say this, but if you want to achieve your goals, change your attitude.

The more you think of a negative possibility of something happening, the less you are going to be able to find another way of thinking. You lock yourself into one mindset and that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

You’re supposed to be giving yourself infinite options. If something doesn’t work out the way you want it to, don’t just sit around thinking about where you went wrong. Get yourself back up and learn from it. We go through life forgetting our mistakes, in the hopes that they don’t come back to haunt us (more on that here).

Basically what I’m saying is, don’t downplay your awards or recognition for things that you have been working towards. You are capable of being as good as the next best person, in your field. You all have something unique to contribute to the world and just working towards those goals and honing that skill, is an amazing thing.  Do what makes you happy, because people will see that and want to be a part of what you do.

Remember, people want to know not just what you do (because that’s a given), but they also want to know why you do what you do.  For all my college students, Why does an area of study interest you? For all my people who are in their careers, why does doing what you do interest you?

People want to know about your passions and would want to see that passion flourish into something bigger. By something bigger, I don’t mean becoming famous, like a celebrity (because that’s easy).  But I mean like in terms of careers, learning to be innovative and learning where you can use your talents. Not everyone can do what you do. With passion and a little drive, anything is possible.

Sending love and light your way,

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Follow my blogstagram for all my adventures!

Why Being Needy Isn’t Good

People can’t stand someone who is needy. I can’t stand a needy person. Being needed every once in a while is nice, but being needed all the time feels almost too draining. It is suffocating.

When I asked for a guy’s perspective on the matter, they said that being needy is flat out unattractive.

So here’s a scenario: say you like someone and you’re talking about them to all your friends, but you have no idea if this kid likes you or not.  You’re constantly giving them attention, without having any reinforcements showing you that this person really shares your feelings.

You are so dependent on them that you don’t realize how much you are actually hurting yourself. In short, being needy is not a good thing.

When you’re in a relationship, being too needy can lead to only one thing: the break-up.

Now this post aims to help you or someone you know, how to not be needy, what you can do instead, and how to be conscious of it in a relationship.

I’m not saying you should be so independent that you must show to everyone how un-needy you are, because where are people needed if you claim this? But what I’m saying is you have to be able to find a happy medium that isn’t too stand-off-ish or too needy, and that can be hard. So that’s where I come in.

You are dependent on a person, instead of on yourself

Being needy shows a lack of self worth. It shows that you depend on someone for your own happiness or sense of security. I have gotten so tired of hearing needy people say things like “My heart is aching for someone to love me” , “he is my world” or my favorite, “Woe is me, I am so tired of being left out in the cold with my heart broken”

Wake. The. F%^&. Up

You are a strong, man or woman. You are capable of having your own happiness, and having that same happiness stem from within yourself. You do not need to rely on someone who can “light up your world like nobody else”, light up your own world. You are in control of your own happiness.

Do you need someone to keep you warm at night? Not necessarily. Learn how to do that on your own. Learn to be alone and content with yourself. Sometimes, it is okay to focus on yourself, focus on what you need and how you can supply some of these things that you look for in a person (i.e warmth, love, cuddles, etc). Again, I am not saying that you have to be a lone wolf, but what I am saying is that you should learn to treat yourself with the same love and warmth as one would in a relationship, for the time being, until you find the right person.

Now, I’m gonna tell you a little story. As crazy as it sounds, I used to be needy.

WHAT?! ME?

Yes. you read correctly. I remember one time my freshman year in college, I sparked up a conversation with this kid and next thing I know, I’m texting him non-stop, feeling sorry for myself every time he didn’t answer me back, the whole enchilada.

But it turned out that I just liked the idea of him. I didn’t take into account the subtle social cues he was using to let me down easy.  I didn’t see or take into account how he made me feel, but instead fixated on how I was making him feel. So when I “fell for him”, I was surprised and crushed at the fact that he did not feel the same way.

Through many lessons I learned in my first year of college, I learned a lot about myself and how to be conscious of the neediness I had expressed. I am not a perfect person. I am still working on this and it has been so invigorating being able to see my worth in myself rather than on another person. Finding your worth is also a work in progress and something one should always strive for everyday.

Finding a happy medium between independent and needy

Being independent is one extreme, but being needy is another extreme.

So here is a pro and cons list of independent and needy

Pros

  • Pro of being independent: You rely on yourself and not on others to achieve your goals.
  • Pro of being needy: none

Cons

  • con of being independent:  If you’re too independent and insist that you don’t need help at all in accomplishing your goals, it makes you look bad. It makes you sound like you are so much better off without them. While it may not be what you say, it could be something that you do very often and vice versa.
  • con of being needy: what was just outlined before. If you rely on someone for your overall happiness, where does that leave you? You end up looking like an overly- obsessed girlfriend or boyfriend.

So please learn to be conscious of when you are needy with such actions as:

  • Texting/Calling bae or someone you’re ‘talking’ to more than three times a day.
  • Talking about the person you’re talking to when the other party hasn’t even asked about how your relationship is progressing.
  • Relying on them as your only source of happiness
  • Being a little impatient or jealous when you see a photo with another girl or guy who just is their friend.

Finding a happy medium in all of this could be as simple as not doing any of the behaviors I just listed.

This list could go on, but if you have anything to add on the matter, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments below!

Thanks for stopping by!

The Thing About Real Relationships

Relationships, they’re pretty special, ya know? Frankly for me, having that one person there for you in a time of need is a good feeling because they are someone who I can talk to and definitely count on. But I have one question…

What makes a good relationship?

A good relationship isn’t always the kind that you see publicized on social media. In my eyes, I don’t really see much importance in writing long captions about how amazing a significant other is all the time. It’s good every once in a while, but not all the time. I feel that it’s more than that.

A good relationship is something that has been built upon over a course of a few months, a few years. It’s the kind where you enjoy every minute you have with this person, you enjoy the conversations that take place and the endless amounts of things you can talk about with this person. Most of all, I think it also boils down to how this person makes you feel (check out my other post on this concept of Marrying The Right Person ) and what they see in you.

A good relationship with someone is where you can push them to become a better person and they can do the same thing. The way I see it, they should support you and be a positive influence in your life. They should be making time for you.

Now with every good quality, I’m just going to illustrate some things that should not happen in the relationship, some red flags if you will.

In a good relationship, what shouldn’t happen are the following:

  • rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one
  • focus is solely on physical intimacy
  • nonchalantly talking down on your significant other/ limiting them.
  • Not spending enough time with them

These are just a few things on the long list of red flags that really stand out to me. Regardless of how obvious each one is, we are just going to treat them with an equal amount of importance. So lets go into detail with each one!

Rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one

This is something that I have seen time and time again… We live in such a fast paced world where we are starting to notice that everything  from electronics and social media is moving at the speed of light. But that doesn’t mean that forming a relationship should be as fast. When you meet someone for the first time, they become an acquaintance. The more you see them, you naturally work towards becoming friends and then seeing if they really align with what you look for in a person. Keep in mind that this doesn’t happen overnight. This happens over time. I feel like more meaningful relationships can be made if people actually took their time with someone.

My main rule of thumb is: make sure that you set down a strong foundation for the relationship. Once you and the other person are in agreement that you want a relationship to come out of this foundation stage, work towards it. When you set down a foundation for the relationship, you are in control of how long you both want to relationship to be.

Don’t rush into the relationship with the sole purpose of filling a void, enter the relationship with the sole purpose of finding someone who shares your similar beliefs and helps you to see another perspective.

Focus is solely on physical intimacy

So it’s one thing to rush into a relationship, but it’s another to completely SKIP the whole relationship aspect and jump straight to physical intimacy. I wouldn’t really call it a ‘relationship’ per se, because quite frankly, it is complicated and there is always one person in this who catches, what I like to call, the feels. This is a very depreciating cycle, in that you are willing to give your body up to someone whenever they want, but you aren’t willing to be with someone who will give you more than just that. You want to be with someone who isn’t just good for your body, but good for you as a whole. You deserve that.

Also take into account the fact that at some point, you are going to have to talk about why this physical intimacy has become a thing between you and the other person. What are you expecting to come out of this? A relationship? Something else? Make these known to your partner, because its one thing to go into this thing not knowing what can come out of it and its another to come out feeling like you wasted your time. If you’re seeking a real relationship, then why are you wasting time with someone who only wants ten minutes of a good time?

Nonchalantly Talking Down on your significant other/ Limiting them

This is a big no-no in my book. In my lifetime, as well as everyone else’s, I’ve been talked down by my exes, whether it be my appearance or what I’ve wanted to be.

Sometimes, these words don’t mean much coming from the lips of this person, but to you, those words are unnecessary and not at all the kind of help you are hoping to get from someone. Especially if its coming from someone whose opinions you value. But if you know that something you say could be taken the wrong way, make sure that you let the other person what you are trying to say and from there you can have an understanding between you and the person.

On another note, It’s fine if you don’t agree with something your significant other says, but its another thing to disagree AND talk down on their views. That’s another no-go. As humans, we should be able to listen to each other, it doesn’t always mean that we have to agree with everything that they have to say, but make note of the areas of where they make valid points. Think about ways where you can add to those valid points. Find a common ground between you and the person. A major part in communication, is our ability to listen to each other and understand what they mean. Honestly, I feel that there is not a lot of that going on these days.

Another thing to note is the aspect of limiting someone. Limiting people and stopping them from what they really have a passion for, is a BIG red flag. You want to be with someone who wants to be there for you in all stages of your success. If someone has a passion for something that you see them having a talent for, then LET THEM DO IT. I don’t see why anyone would want to be a road block in your path, if it’s something that you set out to do. Always be supportive, because they probably lack that support at home.

Not spending enough time with each other

Now, this right here, is a huge red flag. I don’t care if the person you are with is busy all the time. If they care about you and love you, they will make a way to come and see you. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you’re in a long distance relationship, then time is of the essence, especially because on the days you may have break, the first thing you’d want to do is see your significant other. That’s the main part of the relationship, actually spending time with the person you love.

If they aren’t putting in the time to make the relationship flourish and grow, then that’s a red flag in my book. The bottom line is if you or the other person can’t pencil each other in on days that you are free, then where is your free time going?

I mean think about it from the stand point of a long distance relationship, every once in a while you should make a plan with your person to talk or even video chat!(because we have that now!) You don’t necessarily have to talk everyday, because maybe work calls for some extra hours or school requires a little bit more of studying some nights.

However, always remember this: every little bit of time counts. So put in the time if you haven’t been doing so already and show your boo how much you care about them.

Take notes, everyone! Work hard in your relationships and be a better person for your significant other!

Let me know what you think and if I should do more of these pieces in the comments below! thanks!

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