What Happens When We Act on Our Expectations?

Awhile back, I had watched an interesting TED talk by Psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer about how we don’t really act on what we want, but rather on our own expectations of things. It’s a subconscious thing. We’ve probably heard the saying “Thoughts become things” at some point, right? Well basically if we think about an event coming up, like a date, a party, a festival, etc, If we keep thinking about how everything is going to be great, then chances are, it will go right, because you already made it clear that this is going to be your moment or your time to shine. Sometimes, however, we have terrible feelings about how the event will go that it becomes a subconscious thing where you’ll do or say certain things that really enhance the negative feeling.

So say you play the lottery, you’re just trying your luck, and you find out later on that day that you won. What do you do? Was this what you expected would happen? No, of course not. You weren’t expecting to win, you were just playing for shits. In this example, our expectations of certain things don’t really align with what we want.

Then again, when we think something isn’t going to go well, it can sometimes end up going better than expected and vice versa.

What I’m trying to say is that this concept can be applied in just about everything from relationships to events/experiences. Vilhauer goes on to say that she had a client who was gorgeous and accomplished and decided to give online dating a try. Once the client received matches and started going out on dates, the guys that she went out with either weren’t who they looked like in their profile photo, forgot their wallets, or just wouldn’t show up at all whatsoever. Through all these dates, the client began to settle with the terrible dates. They became her expectations.

At one point, she had agreed to go out on a date with this one guy after her yoga class. She, thinking that the date wouldn’t go well, arrived at this cafe to meet up with this guy. The guy was a well-groomed, all-around great guy and the client basically didn’t know how to act. Because she had gotten so used to such terrible dates, she never once thought that she might actually land a pretty decent guy. So the whole time, she stared at the ground and felt really self-conscious. At some point during the date,  she told the guy that she needed to put more coins in the meter and just left the date.

The bottom line was: he was great, but given the fact that she had no idea how to act in a situation like this, it was something new and out of the ordinary for her. I mean, think about it: put yourself in her shoes, shes gorgeous but over time she realized that she wasn’t worth those second dates or a decent man who wouldn’t forget his wallet. Imagine how that must feel. Pretty shitty, right?

Vilhauer then poses a scenario to the audience like:

Say you’re going on vacation to a tropical island.

She then asks something along the lines of: How is what I am expecting, making me feel?

This question not only brings into mind the idea of the future, but it also brings to mind how you feel about a specific thing in the future. This gives you a chance to be in tune with your mind and body.

If you’re like me and are down for a new adventure to a tropical island, then there’s nothing to do. If you’re having positive thoughts and feelings about the whole thing, then you’ve already achieved the goal.

If you’re anxious for this trip, then she follows up with another question: What would I like to have happen instead?

Here, you address to alternatives that go with what you’re comfortable with. What you really do want in the situation. What you want isn’t really what you expect. She then goes back to the example of winning the lottery : you want to win, but you don’t expect to win

She then asks: What do I need to do to make what I want happen?

She says that when we have a negative expectation, we think about all the things that would go wrong. Your aren’t really generating any thoughts and/or ideas about this experience going right.  You begin to see a shift in your thinking once you generate some positive thoughts. In other words, what can go right?

Vilhauer had a client who was depressed and they had been doing a ton of work together, to help this person gain some coping skills and be better equipped with what life throws at them, but nothing really seemed to be working. So Vilhauer posed the question, “Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?” The client looked at her with a puzzled expression. When you’ve been depressed for a while, you don’t really think about the future, you just see everything as a big black hole. It’s like time goes by, but you feel like you still hang in the middle of it, not going forward or backwards, but staying there. So Vilhauer began to pose a variation of this question to many more of her clients, she recalled that she received the same response. Five years later, this is where she began to pioneer a new approach to counseling, called Future Directed Therapy (FDT).

I find this stuff amazing that psychologists like Dr. Vilhauer are changing the way they approach a patient’s unique illness or issue in life. The more we have this, the more we will have psychologists and mental health professionals provide a more interpersonal approach to each patient they treat, which is absolutely fascinating! You focus on what you want, keeping in mind that your expectations should align with your wants.

Check out the video!

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Fear of The Future

Happy December, everyone! I’ve been so busy this past week, which was why I had LITERALLY no time at all to keep you guys updated on the next big thing! So I apologize, but I’m here now, so let’s talk!

Lately I’ve been doing things that plays roles in planning ahead. I’ve signed up for courses in Spring 2018, continued on my process of applying to colleges, applying for scholarships, among other things.

In the midst of all of this, however, I sense a familiar wave of emotion that kind of washes over me. Fear, if you will, of the future. The same fear that just paralyzed me and played an integral role in my depression the first time around. That same fear of the future, which made me realize that I would be going from a place where I knew where everything was and who my friends were, to a place where I didn’t know any of that and therefore, I would have to learn to do that all over again.

Learning new things and doing something different doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. It could be a positive experience for you. You’ll never know until you make that first step. I used to accept change with such grace, but what part of my anxiety and depression has affected was how I perceived change.

Now, big changes affect me, but that’s normal, right? People are affected in one way or another to big changes, like moving to a new city and going to school. For me, if I want change to happen in my life, I need it to be small and gradual. Of course, in this fast paced world we live in, nothing ever comes small or gradual, it comes at us the size of a train going 150 mph.

But I’ve learned that we cannot be afraid of that change. We must accept it and learn to face this fear, embrace it, and live our lives. The future is in another dimension, it’s something that we prepare for. Why should we be fearful of it? We spend years preparing for a job that we want, we take all the courses necessary to be able to do all things in an appropriate and ethical manner, we prepare ourselves for the degree we want.

As I’ve said before, it is normal to be afraid of the future, because that fear is the same fear that helps us and motivates us. This fear is the one where you actually care about being successful in the future. Paralyzing fear, however, has been known to be detrimental for you. You care too much and you literally cant sleep because, on top of caring too much, you are also thinking about it too much. Instead of working for us, it works against us and we work for it, fueling any insecurities we may have about ourselves. In reality, you don’t have to overthink your future successes, no one is telling you to detail every aspect of your future. Only you are ingraining that into your mind. I mean, think about it, if we were to narrow everything down in our future down to a T, where does that leave the present? Where are you now? What’s even more, is if all of us think too profoundly into the future, imagine how high our stakes are.

Imagine having only one aspiration that leads you to a house, family, etc., what are the odds that it might change? We shouldn’t have to hold one general idea or one general goal and expect that same goal to be the same. For example, for many years, I’ve always wanted to be a doctor or something along the lines of the field of medicine. I would watch all these medical shows and be fascinated at the knowledge of doctors in their fields. But then in my Junior year of high school, I wanted to be a Physical Therapist, I had my plan figured out, I would major in bio then apply for a seat in the Physical Therapy program at the college that I would go to. By the time I got to my senior year of high school, I wanted to become a Physician Assistant(PA), so I toured schools looking for a perfect fit in their Pre-PA majors. I didn’t really find it. So that’s when I resorted to Nursing. When I applied to a school for Nursing, I got my acceptance letter, buuut… I wasn’t exactly in the Nursing program, I was Undeclared-Nursing, which meant that I would be taking a course that was required of all first-year nursing majors and I’d have to work my way up into the Nursing program. I ended up switching my major the second semester of that same year. The reason why I took too long in realizing that working in the medical field just wasn’t for me, was because I was still stuck in that mindset of holding one general idea about myself and my future. When I realized this, I thought to myself, “what would my life be like if I wasn’t a nurse?” “What other job is out there?”.

Fast forward to now, I am happy to see how far I have come and how this experience has led me to where I am. I’m a Communications major with a focus in Marketing and I am looking to get my MBA in Marketing, as well. My dream is to work in Digital Marketing and hopefully contribute to the overall growth of sales and provide ideas for more traffic on certain sites.

The fact of the matter is this: You can plan for your future all you want, you are entitled to how you feel about it, too, but always be open to what life throws at you. Don’t ever feel like you have one set choice. In this life, we have an unlimited amount of choices and it’s up to us to find one that suits our goals. All of this is meant to give you perspective in this life, mapping out your future is a good way to start gaining some perspective, but don’t go overboard. Enjoy your present and be open to your future.

 

 

 

Where Being Honest and Authentic Get You In Your Professional Life

Hello everyone! I hope you are all enjoying the fall weather and all its festivities! What are some of your favorite fall festivities? I personally like pumpkin picking, hay rides and apple picking! So piggybacking off of a more recent blog post (link here) I’m going to talk more about the importance of authenticity and being honest with yourself in today’s modern world

Being authentic is an integral part of professional life. I mean people want to work with someone who is real (am I wrong?). Someone who really knows what’s going on, especially in terms of what your career is. Okay! So think of this scenario, imagine you’re the boss of this awesome business and you are looking for people who share the same passion you have, are willing to create more, and contribute to the ideas you have for this business. Now that you have an idea of who you want on your team, you are not settling for anything less than that ( and if you are, then you should probably get you priorities straight and get focused). You are not going to bring along someone who ACTS like they care about the job and the business you are trying to promote, nor are you going to bring along someone who is just in it for the “yearly bonus” or salary. You made it explicitly clear that you want focused, driven, passionate individuals. When you’re driven to do something, money doesn’t matter and the right job will definitely bring your best self to the table. Your dream job should be everything that you look for in a job and more, it should go in accordance with your dreams and your overall drive in life.

A job isn’t a one size fits all type of thing, it’s either you like the job you’re doing or you don’t. It’s quite simple, I really don’t understand why people stick around at a job that constantly stresses them out and does nothing but bring in negative energy. That negative energy is dangerous and all of you have heard me say it before so I’ll say this again and louder for those in the back, when you bring in negative energies into your life, you are opening yourself up to a lot of stress and many illnesses associated with it, including mental health illnesses. So don’t quit the job just because you don’t like it, quit the job because you see that it doesn’t do you any good sticking around something that really drains you.

Image result for 11 laws of likability

A while back, I had gotten this book as a gift from my parents. The book is called The 11 Laws of Likability: Relationship Networking . . . Because People Do Business with People They Like by Michelle Tillis Lederman. In this book, Michelle talks about these 11 laws of likability and how she was able to apply these laws in not just her professional life, but in her personal life, as well. She goes in to detail and talks about how when she was teaching this Business course, student made her realize that we, as human beings, have a strong desire of being liked by other people.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we really do care about being well liked by our superiors at work or by our very own professors in college. Michelle also teaches you how to network with potential employers and with being able to relate to different kinds of people in your everyday life.  Now, this book doesn’t help you get people to like you. It’s more about getting people to like you AND doing so, by just being yourself. This book has done an amazing job in terms of helping me find who I am and how I can uncover my authentic self. Regardless of your career, I definitely recommend this book to anyone who is willing to embark on a journey of self discovery into finding out your most authentic self. I hope this book gets you to where you need to be in your academic, professional, personal life and more!

Like I’ve said before, I have no tolerance and no time for fake people, Why should I even be around people who don’t value me or see me the way I see my most authentic self?

Through that book and many other resources in my life, I have been able to walk away from people and things that just drain me, fill me up with doubt, and make me feel less like myself. Honestly, if I had stayed around at the retail job that I used to work at, I think I’d become a more different person than who I am now. I wouldn’t be following my heart or what I wanted, I would be following the way of a lot of people who just don’t like their jobs and are only in the job because the pay is decent. Why should you even settle for something that’s just ‘decent’? When you have the ability to go further.

Now, I’m the kind of person where I’d rather be out here looking for my authentic self.  In my journey of self-discovery, I realize that friends-who actually value me- to be with will eventually come at some point. Either way, as long as I know that I am living my best AND authentic life, I know that everything else (i.e friends, new career, etc) will fall into place. Thankfully, I can say that I have found those friends who definitely value me and see me as an authentic individual.

Instead of being stuck at a job that you hate, why not just branch out and go back to school? Now, in today’s world, there are many more resources that can help you become more qualified for the job that you want. All you have to do is look. I see a lot of older people who didn’t have the opportunity to do that, and now they’re following their dreams.  They’re just becoming their most authentic self.

In order for your life to come together, you have to figure out who you are, what you stand for, and most of all how you value yourself. Surround yourself with people who share similar values and who challenge you everyday to be a better person, an authentic person. 

 

Here is Michelle’s book on amazon!

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How to Get On the Right Path In Your Life This Year

Hello there! It’s been a while since I last blogged! I’ve been meaning to write something like this since the New Year started! So without further ado! HA-HA. I present to you, my readers, ways on how YOU can get on the right path and where you want to be, in terms of your life, this year and how you can achieve the goals you’ve had for a while, but have not known where to start. I just want to say that I am beyond excited for the new adventures this year holds and of course what God has in store for all of us (because believe it or not, He grants us awesome adventures, too!) So lets get started!

So if you’re bored most of the time and feel that you have nothing to do, other than instagram, snapchat, facebook, twitter, repeat. Then you should look for a hobby!

Hobbies can be anything you want them to be, you can take knitting classes, crochet classes, painting classes, etc. OR if you are a make-up fiend like me, sign up for some beauty classes at Sephora, they’re completely free to all beauty rewards members!

There are tons of things for you to do and for you to learn!

Try making a dreams poster, if you ever feel lost in your life and you need something that keeps you grounded, this is definitely a craft for you. All you need is poster paper, and at the center of this you put your support system(it can be your friends, family members, anyone who makes you feel good) and to the upper right hand corner, as well as downwards you put any academic goals( so if you want to transfer or graduate from a specific university, put it on there; if you want to get your bachelors and doctorate, then you put that there). If you have any careers you’re dreaming about, but don’t know where to start, put down a couple that interest you in the bottom right hand corner. Then on the bottom left hand corner put all the places you want to travel to at some point in your life. Finally, on the top left hand corner put people you look up to as well as other aspirations, like having a family, living in a big house, etc. etc. Most of all, have fun with this!

If you’re someone like me, who loves to learn new things and immerse themselves in unique experiences, then I recommend that you go to a conference.

About two weeks ago, I went to a Social Justice conference at my school. We talked about a myriad of issues in today’s society, most of which we know about and are always looming over us as young adults. The main purpose of this program was to bring to mind the different issues among many ethnicities and how we can respond to those indifferences in our society. Ethnicities was a major part of what we talked about and we stemmed from that to talk about different issues that bother us in our everyday lives, like the stigma of mental health, sexual orientation, and differences in privilege, mainly how that varies from person to person, based on their race/ethnicities, socioeconomic class, age, among many other things. After that event, I can sincerely and honestly say that I actually learned something and got something out of attending an awesome event! I gained a lot more insight and awareness in terms of diversity. I got to hear many stories, ideas, along with different points of views, that were definitely well-articulated. This conference really helped me open my eyes to not only the issues in our society, but how thankful I am to have experiences like these. Experiences that make you realize ” wow, I am so blessed to be able to go to school with people who recognize the similar issues that we-of a different race-all go through” , or that being surrounded with a group of people who think outside of the box and offer interesting new insights to how we can solve the problems that we as young people, being exposed to this first hand, whether it be working our way through college, dealing with financial aid, scholarships, racism, etc. It’s then that you realize how amazing and valuable each opinion is. I met so many new people that day who think and have similar beliefs as me and really enjoy learning new things in just about anything!

Next goal, if you want to get fit, toned and ready for summer 2k17, then I recommend that you consult with a doctor or a person who knows a great deal about nutrition and exercise and if you’d like to take it a step further, enroll at a gym!

As with anything that takes some time to get used to, getting up early and hauling your ass to a local gym is tough at first, but keep in mind that consistency is key. The more consistent you are with going to the gym, the more it becomes a habit. Just because you worked out in the morning on one day, doesn’t mean you should follow that same schedule. It is completely up to you. If you’re more of a night time work-out person, that is completely okay. If you want to alternate between days, like one day go in the morning, another day go at night, you can do that! That is your choice! I’m more of a wake-up-early-get-gym- over-with-kind of person haha. But given the schedule I have this semester, I’ve gotten flexible with my hours.

Make sure that you are eating healthier, sleeping well, and choosing healthier substitutes to your everyday diet. When you workout, you should not be eating like crap. I mean it’s good to treat yo’self to a good dessert or cheat meal every once in a while, but always remember moderation is key when it comes to eating right. As far as I know, if you want results, make the necessary changes to your diet. Something as small as giving up soda, is just as good as choosing a salad over cookies. Again, I am not a doctor, so therefore I cannot say what you should and shouldn’t eat or what absorbs what at the molecular level. The choice is completely up to you and your fitness goals.

Whatever you decide to do this year, whether its discover a new hobby, working out/ getting to a new lifestyle, or making the decision to go back to school, remember to always have a positive attitude while doing so. I understand that, in this day and age, its like

“how the hell is that possible?!”

Well, it’s actually easier than you think. The key is to notice when you are getting negative thoughts, that contribute to a negative attitude, and try to counteract those with positive thoughts and attitudes.

Just be happy, don’t look for another reason why you shouldn’t be. Be happy with the fact that you are going to become a newer person by the time 2017 ends. You will have learnt new things and actually have different attitudes on things that once either bothered you or dissuaded you. Make this year, the year YOU become happy. If you’re happy when you’re looking for a new hobby, or a new workout plan, GO FOR IT! I am behind you 100% in anything positive and worthwhile you want to immerse yourself in. Just as long as you’re happy doing your own thing, thats all that should really matter. Anything positive that you want to do in your life or anything that you want to change for the better? Do it. Do it with an eager heart and a positive attitude.

Salud y Fuerza!

(Health and Strength)

 

 

 

 

My Definition of Success

All throughout my life I have seen success in so many ways. Whether it be in a small milestone, or in a team that finally achieved their goals in winning a game, or even seeing someone you love finally get that degree they have worked so hard to earn. I have seen it all. My family has always told me the importance of success, especially my dad. Throughout my life, I’ve realized that achieving success isn’t always easy but that in the end, it would be worth it. I aspire to get my associates in communication, continue my studies in communication with a focus in public relations to obtain my bachelor’s and ultimately my masters of fine arts in visual arts. I aspire to become a creative director of a magazine or a movie. For that, I realize that I’d have to work my way up and make connections along the way. Remember: success also means that you need to network along the way, it’s all about making yourself well known.

 I know that with God, the success He will give me will be well worth it The bible talks about success in the book of phillippians. In Phillippians 4:13, it reads ” I can do all things through which God will strengthen me”. That’s powerful. We can do all things we are capable of doing through God! Praise Him! I ask that god may grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

God bless you all on this somewhat muggy, yet beautiful day!

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