Hey everyone! I hope you’re all doing fantastic and are having a great day, wherever you are! I’ve been organizing and reorganizing things, because in just a few short weeks, I’m going to be a Senior in college. How surreal is that?!
So for all of you out there starting your first year or your last year of college, know that I am right here rooting for you!
Moving right along… Today’s blog post is going to be about something that I realized not too long ago and it’s going to be about relationships.
More specifically, things that I know now about relationships, that I didn’t know before.
My aim with this post is to inform y’all, by using statements that I’ve been a firm believer in and talk about how I’ve either unlearned it or built on those statements. So lets get started!
“…Once you set a solid foundation of friendship, you can then control how long a relationship will last”
Okay, so this was said at a time when I was with my most recent significant other. This was something I was a firm believer in and it also being the deciding factor of any relationship. Now, however, that I’ve been single for about a year now, I still believe in this statement, but not to the extent to where it is the deciding factor in any relationship.
There are a ton of things that make a relationship what it is and it all varies from relationship to relationship. Maybe for one, it wasn’t so much of a friendship or maybe for others it was a solid foundation of understanding. There are multiple ways a relationship begins and ultimately many things that help a relationship last.
I’ve learned that we have no control over anything and when I used that word of advice to help out some of my single friends, I was coming from a place where I wanted to control everything–and that’s not healthy (more on that here).
“Girl, You need to get laid/You need ‘experience’”
This… was said to me by people who were once my friends (this is very much relevant to the story haha) shortly, after I had gotten out of the relationship. At the time, I didn’t know or hear of any other advice, except for this one. This piece of advice is something that rings in my ears anytime I think about where I was a year ago. It’s crazy to think that I had friends that really impressed this kind of advice on me, like this wasn’t the best piece of advice, now looking back at it.
I followed that advice, blindly and willingly, I made a couple of decisions that have resulted in hurting me, but I feel like I needed that experience (no pun intended) to help me get to where I am today.
While this wasn’t a statement I said, it was something I once believed.
At the time, I thought that if I slept with enough guys, that it would make the one guy that I was meant to be with not want to leave. My, oh, my was my logic flawed.
I did what I did, but I also reflect on that and realized that the more that I engaged in this kind of behavior, the more time I wasted in finding something meaningful, with someone who wasn’t into anything meaningful to begin with.
The friends I have now don’t really push this kind of advice on me, they push me to become a better person and invest my time in other things that don’t involve having one-night stands.
What I’ll say is this: don’t go out and get laid, but give yourself the opportunity to meet new people and put yourself out there whether that be through dates, socials or going out with your friends. There are plenty of opportunities to meet new people, you just gotta put yourself out there… or don’t, the choice is yours, my friends.
“I can’t wait ’till I find a man who will check everything off my list”
I may have gone ahead, created a list of things I looked for in a man, hung it up on my dresser and have spoken about it with friends, the big man upstairs, on more than one occasion, hoping with every fiber of my being that I’ll find someone with the exact qualities that I was looking for… Yeah, uh ladies, MEN AREN’T CHECKLISTS.
We are complex beings, so to ask someone if they have all the qualities on a checklist we created, is really shitty, come to think about it. It’s good to have an idea, as to what you look for in a person, but be open to the fact that you can do away with a lot of the more specific qualities and still get a really great person.
So I’ve unlearned this statement, but bringing up this subject leads me into the next statement that I had for a long time…
“All my needs will be met when I have someone by my side”
When I think about this statement, I think about how long it has taken me to unlearn it. It could be the media that I’ve consumed in the span of 10 or so years that have ultimately shaped the way I’ve seen love, what love is, etc. However, over time, the aspect of love has been reified over and over and over again for me. I realized that at the end of the day, love is so many things that make it what it is.
I’ve spent a good chunk of my single life looking for someone who would ultimately complete me and would make me the happiest and most loved person in the world. Someone who I could post photos of on social media and everything.
But the more I would search, the most disappointed I’d be, the more annoyed I would be. I just wanted someone who was exactly like me and I thought that by swiping left and right on a dating app would be the right way to go. I thought that shit would be easy, but it’s not, unless you’re into meaningless sex.
Essentially I wanted all of my needs being met, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it later. Again, flawed logic.
Something I realized recently was this: in order to find someone who has redeemable qualities that I look for, I have to be those things for myself.
If you’re a mess to begin with, (and I am talking about debt everywhere, disorganized personal life–the whole enchilada) then what makes you think you’re in a position to bring along another person into your life?
I mean I really have to ask, what are you looking for in a person? Do you have those qualities yourself?
If you said no, take a moment to look around at your room, your apartment, your current living situation (whatever that may be), Are you in debt or are you in a good financial situation?
Finally, what I want to ask you is this: What do you have to offer in a relationship, if you choose to be in one right now?
Basically what I want y’all to know is that when you meet that person, you want them to complement you, your values, your personality.
You don’t want them to supplement what you lack financially, emotionally, etc. That just shows how dependent you are on them and quite frankly, it’s emotionally draining and the relationship will not last long.
The fact of the matter is this: No one should ever depend on someone else for their own happiness, well-being, all of it.
If you want all the qualities of a good man, a man who pays his bills on time, is smart, is family-oriented, independent, a body builder, etc. Then you need to be able to be those things for yourself. Don’t wait on another person to take care of you or vice versa. Do that shit now. Save yourself the heartbreak and learn to be alone.
While you’re at it, get your life in order before you bring along another person. You have just as much stuff to contribute to the relationship as the other party does. Be so independent that future bae has no words and stands back in awe of what you do.
Quite frankly, I still have more to learn about loving relationships, but I like where I’m at and I’m really happy I got to share with you all the statements I have made at one point or another. It’s really cool to see how I’ve been able to unlearn it or build on them throughout the years.
I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to add to this list of statements, but these were just a few that really stood out to me and are worth talking about.
Sending a ton of love and light your way,
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