A Girl’s Guide to Dating on Tinder in 2018

Hey guys! I know I’ve been a little MIA lately, but college has been fun, eventful and everything under the sun! The need to blog and share with all of you has been eating at me and, quite frankly for the past couple of weeks, I was going through a major writers block. But I’m back and I’m ready to share with you guys!

So remember how awhile back I was on tinder for like 4 days and didn’t like it and then lived to tell the tale?

Well, let’s just say I’m back on tinder, but with a couple of cool new insights:

  • What I learned from the first time around.
  • How I gained clarity on the hook up culture.
  • Once I defined what I wanted, it became easier to meet people and have interesting conversations
  • Sometimes people aren’t all that and a bag of chips and I’ll tell you why.

LETS GET STARTED!

What I learned from the first time around

So I learned that Tinder is fun and all, but I wouldn’t completely bank on it as my primary source of meeting people. Like I’ve said before, I’m in this new chapter of my life where I’m still in the process of meeting new people, whether that be people in my classes or just people I meet in the club that I just joined. The thing is, there’s always going to be someone new that I meet every once in a while and that’s pretty cool.

For tinder and all other dating apps like it, you need to be able to find a quality about yourself and basically, market that to your intended group, whether that be guys, girls or even both! What is it that you are looking for in a person, what is it that they would want to know about you?  All of this is a matter of putting yourself out there and making yourself more approachable.

For example on my profile, I made the choice to not really write about myself. What I do instead is I have a really short, sweet and to-the-point bio, “Classy, never trashy, just a bit sassy💁🏽‍✨♀️” . Sassy is a quality that I would want to market to my intended group because who doesn’t like a girl who is quick, witty and Latina?

Another thing that I learned is this: Presentation is everything. So for all the photos I have up on the app, they’re photos that are definitely some of my best ones.

When you want to market to your intended group, you want to pick photos where it captures your genuine self.

For example, If you like being out with friends and having a good time, put up a cute photo of you with a drink. Make sure you make known who you are by putting up some photos of just yourself, followed by a couple of photos that capture you in action with friends.

What I would suggest is ask a really good friend to give you their opinion on what your best photos are.

Here are some of the photos that I have up on my profile as of right now:

 

A couple of these photos capture my sassy side, but the others capture my real self.

That being said, just be yourself on the app and don’t say something that’s out of your realm of knowledge. By that, I mean don’t use words or phrases you don’t know or mean, because that’s where communication and everything else in between gets a little messy. Be clear, say what you mean and mean what you say. And please, please, please do not do anything that is against your morals.

other important things to note:

  • Please, please, please meet up with the person at a public place
  • Stalk their social media and make sure they’re the real deal
  • Always carry pepper spray on you
  • Always let 2-3 people know where you are going to be.

Take precaution, loves!!!

How I gained clarity on the hook up culture

One day, I was walking up the stairs to get to one of my classes and I remember thinking about the reasons why I don’t see that many people my age, in relationships.

And it kinda just, hit me: College students, like myself, don’t really have time to give to another person, because of work, family obligations, school and/or other obligations whether that be to their clubs or fraternities and sororities. I mean we’re all working towards becoming better versions of ourselves, that’s not a bad thing. Not wanting a relationship right now or for the time being, is also not a bad thing either. What’s more is that some of us, don’t have the energy to devote ourselves to just one person for a period of time. And that’s okay too! We are young, for crying out loud! We don’t have it all together because we’re just starting out.

So I realized that the reason why there’s hook-up culture is because, well for lack of better words, we sometimes need to let off steam. We want all the physical components of a relationship, even if it is for a little bit, but not the emotional component. If you want to go down the casual route with someone, then tinder is your place. If after reading this you wouldn’t consider going down the casual route, then that’s fine too, but don’t judge people who choose the casual route for themselves. People can do what they want with their bodies, just as long as they’re okay with it and is within reason.

Once I defined what I wanted, it became easier to meet people and to have interesting conversations

The main question that’s asked on these dating sites is: What are you looking for on here? 

Your answer could vary. Maybe you’re looking for a strictly no strings attached type of thing. Maybe you want a relationship. Maybe you’re just testing the waters. All are fine answers, but keep in mind that you need to be vocal and honest with yourself and with the person you’re talking to.

Whenever I’m asked that question I always respond with “I’m just here to meet new people and seeing where it goes”

That response could go one of two ways:

  • I could be looking for something casual

or

  • I could just be looking for a relationship.

I leave that up to anyone’s interpretation. At the very least, I know what I want.

Once I was able to vocalize that, it made matching and talking with people easier because I know what I want. People like it when they’re around someone who knows what they want. I was able to eliminate the baseless conversations and actually have a chance to talk to people with substance.

Sometimes people aren’t all that and a bag of chips and I’ll tell you why

So on the app, I’ve come across some pretty douchey people. It’s not that they’re a flat out dick to me, but they have that douche aesthetic. Don’t waste your time on these kinds of people.

I just find it funny that they think that by just slinging around cockiness about them, they’re destined to get laid. Yeah, not happening with me.

So here are a couple of examples

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In this first photo, there’s no greeting, no compliments on my photos, just a humble brag about what this person says they are… I don’t know about y’all, but I was told to laugh at anyone who says they’re nine inches. MOVING ONNN…

 

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I decided to pull out the sassy card on this one and then this person proceeded to ask me for my snapchat. I used to give out my snapchat freely, but I feel that if you’re just talking for the first time, it’s best to go by phone number. Since tinder doesn’t allow you to send photos, I see the need in resorting to other means of sending photos and/or videos. But  the last thing anyone wants are unsolicited nudes…

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This one’s actually pretty clever… until I received another message with that same pick up line. I talked to them for a bit, but like I said before, I’d rather talk to someone who has substance to them, not someone who just wants to send nudes and text me whenever they feel like it.

Granted, I’ve had some pretty good conversations with some people on here. I hope this helps y’all and educates you on the do’s and don’ts of meeting online. If you have things that I haven’t mentioned here, feel free to drop a comment below!

Sending a ton of love and light your way,

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Trusting The Process

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t gone to community college, if I stuck it out all 4 years at the same 4 year institution… I think about things like that a lot and quite frankly my life would be so much more different than it is right now.

Things happen for a reason and, quite frankly, we just don’t know why. We know it’s a series of things that lead up to it, but even that, we don’t even know why it happened. But in a way, I’m thankful and happy for where life has lead me.

In fact, there’s a quote that says:

“Life has a funny way of working out, just when you start to believe it never will”

In the beginning of my college journey, I remember transitioning from the out-of-state school and thinking “well shit, what now?”

But I started to see that life is crazy. It comes complete with its twists and turns. Essentially, what I learned was this: things are bound to get shitty before they get better.

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and that’s totally okay! That’s when you know you’re growing. A lot of times growth happens in your shittiest situations, those situations are a test to see if you’re willing to continue pressing forward. Your situation might not get better overnight, but over time you’ll see that it’ll help you see things in a different light.

I remember reuniting with my friends from Canada, this past Labor Day weekend, and just telling them a little bit about my college journey and one of them left me with a really simple phrase, it being: “life happened”

Yeah, life happened when I left my 4 year institution, maybe it was through fault of not knowing how to adapt to the dorm life or whatever the case was. Granted, I learned from then on, that at that point, I wasn’t ready to leave home.

Life happened, but I managed to get back up and learn from those mistakes. I realized that even though I’m a year behind in school, it allows me to have a little more insight on dorming and moving in that I could give to people transferring out and moving far from home.

I’ve been able to flip a negative to a positive.

As many of you have read in my previous post about my convoluted journey, my journey has been taken in stride. I’ve learned the value of an education, especially mine, that it’s a value worth struggling for. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way, it took me going out of state to a school to coming to a community college to finally getting re-integrated into another 4-year university, to realize that I needed to put success at the forefront of my mindset. Wherever that may be.

I’m thankful that this whole thing happened because had it not happened, I wouldn’t have met the amazing people that I have had the pleasure of crossing paths with.

and for a while I thought that if I hadn’t gone to a 4- year university, that I would be missing out on a ton of worthwhile experiences, like studying abroad in a foreign country. But GUESS WHAT?!?!

I did that, I experienced that with an amazing group of people who came from different parts of the world to congregate in a town down under! HOW COOL IS THAT?!

The bottom line is, I thought I was going to miss out on a lot of things because I had gone off-course, with being a year behind and all, but I didn’t. I’m just moving through life at the pace that God and the Universe have set for me.

I can’t speed up this pace, because a) what’s the fun in doing that? and b) I prefer to enjoy life, just as it is.

Things happen for a reason, but that doesn’t mean we should get discouraged and give up when things get hard. We pick up from where we left off and press on. So just because life isn’t going the way you want it to, right now, doesn’t mean that it’ll always stay that way. Things change, people change and time doesn’t stop. Each person is on a path that is so different and at their own pace.

The twenties are a weird age, like there are people who are already married-with children, working, or just going to school and lemme tell ya… THAT’S ALRIGHT. Like I said before, people are going at their own pace in life. With that being said, here’s my advice to you!

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So relax, take a sip of positiviTEA and rest on the hope that things will get better.

Sending loads of love and light your way,

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Cycles and Patterns

In life, we’re always in patterns we can’t shake, cycles we can’t break and it’s like Charlie Puth says in his song, “The Way I am”:

I’mma tell ’em all
I’mma tell ’em all that you could either hate me or love me
But that’s just the way I am… 

I get that and I totally feel the same way, but sometimes there are things we should learn for the better. If anything, what I’m trying to get at with this post, is that it is possible to break unfathomable cycles and learn a different approach to things we swear we don’t do.

So when I talk about cycles, I mean relationship cycles. About a couple of nights ago, I dug up my old journals from high school and some keepsakes. In a startling discovery, I noticed that a lot of the things that I went through in my adolescence has been an interesting cycle, that it was so telling of the situation I was in recently (more on that here).

Upon making this discovery, I was perplexed and shocked that I didn’t realize this sooner. Now I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but I do feel like these experiences that I have had with my relationships really helped me to grow, to learn from myself and from the people involved.  The thing with this cycle, however, was that some part of me felt that it was my fault that these relationships ended, that there was something I wasn’t doing. As I read and reflected on these experiences, I realized that I did all I could in a given situation: I communicated how I was feeling, I tried making the relationships work, etc. In the end, I realized, the problem wasn’t me, it was them.

I also noticed that for a while, that I was pretty lenient and gave out second chances like it was candy. As strong as I portray myself on here, I have been really lenient when it comes down to relationships, because I simply believe in the phrase:

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s meant to stay” or something to that effect.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is, there are exceptions to that phrase. What if the person you loved was someone who only comes into your life only when he/she/they feel like it?

I’ve realized, that that is not love. The way I see it, they’ve either loved you or they love you and are willing to be better the next time around. But keep in mind that not everyone gets a second chance, so even if you do think they’re better, but you don’t feel right about the person, you’re not obligated to give them a second chance.

The tough thing is though, there is no way to tell if said person is going to make a positive impact in your life.

You. Just. Don’t. Know.

Sometimes it’s better to rely on that, than on something that you’re so sure of happening (with little basis of knowing).

And I learned that, it’s okay to say that I’m not ready for another person to come into my life. It’s okay to say, after finding all of this out, that I still have a lot to learn about myself.

So far I’ve noticed that in a relationship: I’m the kind of person who will give you the literal time of day. If I fall for you, I fall hard. I’m broke half the time, but if I see something that makes me think of you, I’m buying it for you. Going on an adventure? No problem, I’ll bring blankets, my phone charger, and my camera. Essentially, I try to go the extra mile for those that I love.

But like I said before, I’m a work in progress. There’s still a huge chunk of my life that I want to experience that doesn’t involve a significant other, for the time being.

Why It Matters…

So you’re probably reading this and thinking, “what’s this gotta do with me?”

IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I mean, if you think about it, each and everyone of you reading this probably has a cycle, a pattern that you need to break. Whether it’s letting too many negative people into your life or pushing away the people you really care about, this isn’t just about you. It’s about you and the cycles that you engage in, subconsciously. A lot of times, it’s really hard to break something that is so common to your everyday being.

We pick up ways in how we react to things, because it’s so essential to us. It’s a coping mechanism, so that we have expectations going into a situation and the same outcomes from it.  To take it a step further, it makes us feel immune to getting hurt.

We don’t even think about the cycles that we engage in until someone tells us about it or in my case, stumble upon it while reading and reminiscing the fast times at high school.

It’s all about unlearning a thing that is so deeply rooted into the way that we are. It’s hard, but I promise you, it’ll be worth it.

The more you are able to re-evaluate something, the more you are able to grow and become a better person.

Sending loads of love and light your way,

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The Hook-Up Culture

Hey guys! This week has been a busy, between working events and working in the office, it’s been super productive and fun. The events that I get to work are great and the moments shared with my co-workers are never dull!

so…

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the four days I spent on tinder and the thing about the app is that it perpetuates a thing, known as the hook-up culture. Otherwise called ‘friends with benefits’, hook up culture is basically that. Two people who match on tinder (or any means of communication) and they meet up, have sex, do whatever and that’s it.

In fact, let’s consult with only the best dictionary for this word, shall we?

hook up urb

Again, since urban dictionary is a user-contributed website, this is the best definition its users have voted on… There was another definition for hook up, but that has nothing to do with the subject.

Okay, so I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of Hook-up culture. I don’t even understand how that would even work, what these bullshit ‘rules’ are, or why anyone would want to be involved in one, in the first place, if no relationship can come out of it?

Hypothetically speaking, if I were in a friends with benefits kind of relationship, I don’t think I could do it. With the way that I’m wired, I’m too into my feelings

But in all seriousness, knowing me and the way my mind processes things, I don’t think it’d be as easy to detach my emotions from the whole experience.

If you’re in one or have been in one in a while, let me know your point of view on the matter, in the comments below!

With that being said, I’m not looking down on people who have that kind of relationship going on with one person or even multiple people. In fact, it’s more like a thing I don’t really understand. What do you call you and the other person? your fuck buddy? How do you know that the feelings aren’t anything more than just that?

I don’t understand why people start off being fuck buddies and then later on realize that they develop actual feelings for each other.

Or how sometimes a girl will engage in a hook-up because she’s head over heels in love with a guy who only views her as the side piece and nothing else. What happens then when the guy is literally using a girl for his own sexual needs, but not for emotional companionship.

I get it, hooking up with people is just an easier way of saying “YEAH I JUST GOT WITH x AMOUNT OF PEOPLE”, and it’s all the craze, especially after a break-up because-let’s face it- you’d rather have your tongue down someone’s throat than take a step back and figure out what it is you want out of the next relationship.

Hooking up seems like the better option if you aren’t ready for another relationship. Coming out of a relationship (more on that here),especially a long one, makes you feel like you aren’t ready to give someone your all. It’s not a heart broken feeling, but it’s akin to more of an open space.

I remember that’s how I felt when I came out of mine, I’m down to meet new people, but I can’t really bring myself to hook up or engage in anything with anyone, because I know how I’d feel. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, I’d rather focus on my own damn self than on someone else, for the time being of course.

However, I don’t think hooking up with people is the “cure all” for breakups and heartbreak. If anything, I think using people, just to fill a void-that may take time (and only time itself) to heal-is just wrong and self-deprecating. I would never advise anyone to go out and have a grand old time with just anyone. If you’re my friend, I will tell you that you will find the person that you are looking for.

It may not be now. It may not even be tomorrow, but rest on the hope that there is someone out there for everyone. Life has a way of bringing in some of the most interesting people into your twenties, so learn from them and embrace the experiences with these new people.  Live your life and focus on yourself for a bit and see where that goes!

Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather wait for a long-lasting relationship, than be in a temporary fling that only lasts ten seconds minutes.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to you deciding whether or not you want the real thing or something close to it.

Sending a ton of Love and Light your way,

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What Is The Meaning of Happiness?

Hey all! I’ve been MIA for a bit, taking care of things, adulting, and everything else under the sun. Lately, I’ve been either reading, swiping left or right on tinder (I’ll explain later on in this post), or on Netflix for hours at a time. Through it all… I’ve been in a funk

That slump where you don’t feel like doing anything, where while you’re engaging in productivity, you kinda wish you were curled up, in your room reading, or doing anything but.

When I’m in a funk, there are times where I’ll ponder the meaning of a lot of things.

This time, I started thinking about happiness. More specifically:

  • What is it?
  • Why is it important?
  • What do we attribute it to?

Let’s look up the definition of ‘happiness’, shall we?

Def of happiness

Okay… Well that doesn’t give us much of a definition, but by the looks of it, it seems like the word is quickly getting phased out.

Why is it important that we are happy in our lives?

Being happy has been linked to lower stress levels and a sense of ease in one’s life. When you’re happy, like genuinely happy in your life, you have no time to focus on other pointless bullshit. You are busy working on yourself and building that happiness from within.

A lot of people, however attribute this happiness to money or another a person. And I’m just here to tell you the reasons why you shouldn’t attribute your happiness to these things

Money

The funny thing about money is that our moods change the moment that direct deposit hits.

We go from this

to this

Money is amazing, right? It’s the only thing that practically allows us to get anything we see a need or a want for, like clothes, make-up, the new iPhone, etc. However, does anyone remember the old adage “Money doesn’t buy you happiness”? Money can get you things to a certain point, but it can’t give you love, security or anything as abstract as the concept of happiness. You can’t even buy a personality with money or a new wife, HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

As a matter of fact, I’ve been watching this telenovela on Netflix called Sin Senos, No Hay Paraiso. Set in Pereira, Colombia, the show follows two teens and the poverty that surrounds them. Since the poverty rate in the area is so high, the teens decide to forfeit school and engage in some pretty lucrative stuff, in an act to get money, without the hard work.

Among the characters on the show, the teens’ mom explains that money isn’t everything in this world, that money isn’t meant to fix up every little issue that one has. Frankly, sometimes those problems, those deep rooted problems, can’t be remedied with insane amounts of money.

Another person

Relying on another person for your own happiness, is a definite no-no in my book. Yes, it’s nice that a person makes you happy, but they really shouldn’t be the boss of your own happiness. Like I said before, you should only be focusing on filling up your own cup of happiness. Let the other person be your overflow of happiness, not the consistency of it!

So I downloaded Tinder and with the help of one of my best friends, I was able to create a really good profile! In fact, here are some of the pictures I used:

and for my bio, I just put something short, sweet and to the point: Classy, never nasty, just a bit sassy✨.

The way that tinder works is that you have a set amount of guys in your area, you either swipe left- if you’re not interested- or swipe right, if you’re interested. On the first day, I received so many sweet messages, compliments, along with quite a few corny jokes. A good bit of the guys that I matched with (as in we both swiped right on each other), said the same line over and over: “Never nasty, huh?”

It was definitely an experience. Even though I lasted only four days on the app, I realized it wasn’t something for me. I think I’ve always known that and I just wanted to see what the app was all about, meet new people, all that jazz.

To be frank, I was not and am not looking for a relationship right now. I’m still working on myself. The fact that people actually look for relationships on tinder surprises me, because tinder isn’t built for that. It’s just built for people to meet, chat, and that’s it. This really opened my mind up to another area in the realm of dating and how easy it has become for people to meet, just by swiping right.

By the time I was hitting the fourth day, I noticed how drained I felt. Like this physical tiredness where all I ever did was just keep swiping, in hopes that I would get matched and have some sort of message sent my way. How unhealthy is that? How did I suddenly come to this conclusion?

It was then that I realized that If I was going to be physically and mentally drained from using a ‘dating’ app, why even bother using it? Why bother using or doing something if it doesn’t make me happy?

So I deleted my tinder because I realized that I could do without it and I’m going to be starting soon at a new school, where I’ll meet more cool people who share similar values and passions. Granted, I met some pretty cool people on tinder and may even stay in touch with a few, but as I’ve said before, it’s not something for me.

Before you do something, remember to ask yourself these 3 questions:

  • Are you going to be happy doing so?
  • Is it going to cause you a great deal of stress down the line?
  • Are you doing this for you or for another person?

The bottom line is: Happiness is being content with who you are. If you don’t feel happy with who you are, start by searching some ways that can bring you back to your happiest self.

Sending a ton of love and light your way,

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P.S follow my adventures on Instagram!

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