A Girl’s Guide to Dating on Tinder in 2018

Hey guys! I know I’ve been a little MIA lately, but college has been fun, eventful and everything under the sun! The need to blog and share with all of you has been eating at me and, quite frankly for the past couple of weeks, I was going through a major writers block. But I’m back and I’m ready to share with you guys!

So remember how awhile back I was on tinder for like 4 days and didn’t like it and then lived to tell the tale?

Well, let’s just say I’m back on tinder, but with a couple of cool new insights:

  • What I learned from the first time around.
  • How I gained clarity on the hook up culture.
  • Once I defined what I wanted, it became easier to meet people and have interesting conversations
  • Sometimes people aren’t all that and a bag of chips and I’ll tell you why.

LETS GET STARTED!

What I learned from the first time around

So I learned that Tinder is fun and all, but I wouldn’t completely bank on it as my primary source of meeting people. Like I’ve said before, I’m in this new chapter of my life where I’m still in the process of meeting new people, whether that be people in my classes or just people I meet in the club that I just joined. The thing is, there’s always going to be someone new that I meet every once in a while and that’s pretty cool.

For tinder and all other dating apps like it, you need to be able to find a quality about yourself and basically, market that to your intended group, whether that be guys, girls or even both! What is it that you are looking for in a person, what is it that they would want to know about you?  All of this is a matter of putting yourself out there and making yourself more approachable.

For example on my profile, I made the choice to not really write about myself. What I do instead is I have a really short, sweet and to-the-point bio, “Classy, never trashy, just a bit sassy💁🏽‍✨♀️” . Sassy is a quality that I would want to market to my intended group because who doesn’t like a girl who is quick, witty and Latina?

Another thing that I learned is this: Presentation is everything. So for all the photos I have up on the app, they’re photos that are definitely some of my best ones.

When you want to market to your intended group, you want to pick photos where it captures your genuine self.

For example, If you like being out with friends and having a good time, put up a cute photo of you with a drink. Make sure you make known who you are by putting up some photos of just yourself, followed by a couple of photos that capture you in action with friends.

What I would suggest is ask a really good friend to give you their opinion on what your best photos are.

Here are some of the photos that I have up on my profile as of right now:

 

A couple of these photos capture my sassy side, but the others capture my real self.

That being said, just be yourself on the app and don’t say something that’s out of your realm of knowledge. By that, I mean don’t use words or phrases you don’t know or mean, because that’s where communication and everything else in between gets a little messy. Be clear, say what you mean and mean what you say. And please, please, please do not do anything that is against your morals.

other important things to note:

  • Please, please, please meet up with the person at a public place
  • Stalk their social media and make sure they’re the real deal
  • Always carry pepper spray on you
  • Always let 2-3 people know where you are going to be.

Take precaution, loves!!!

How I gained clarity on the hook up culture

One day, I was walking up the stairs to get to one of my classes and I remember thinking about the reasons why I don’t see that many people my age, in relationships.

And it kinda just, hit me: College students, like myself, don’t really have time to give to another person, because of work, family obligations, school and/or other obligations whether that be to their clubs or fraternities and sororities. I mean we’re all working towards becoming better versions of ourselves, that’s not a bad thing. Not wanting a relationship right now or for the time being, is also not a bad thing either. What’s more is that some of us, don’t have the energy to devote ourselves to just one person for a period of time. And that’s okay too! We are young, for crying out loud! We don’t have it all together because we’re just starting out.

So I realized that the reason why there’s hook-up culture is because, well for lack of better words, we sometimes need to let off steam. We want all the physical components of a relationship, even if it is for a little bit, but not the emotional component. If you want to go down the casual route with someone, then tinder is your place. If after reading this you wouldn’t consider going down the casual route, then that’s fine too, but don’t judge people who choose the casual route for themselves. People can do what they want with their bodies, just as long as they’re okay with it and is within reason.

Once I defined what I wanted, it became easier to meet people and to have interesting conversations

The main question that’s asked on these dating sites is: What are you looking for on here? 

Your answer could vary. Maybe you’re looking for a strictly no strings attached type of thing. Maybe you want a relationship. Maybe you’re just testing the waters. All are fine answers, but keep in mind that you need to be vocal and honest with yourself and with the person you’re talking to.

Whenever I’m asked that question I always respond with “I’m just here to meet new people and seeing where it goes”

That response could go one of two ways:

  • I could be looking for something casual

or

  • I could just be looking for a relationship.

I leave that up to anyone’s interpretation. At the very least, I know what I want.

Once I was able to vocalize that, it made matching and talking with people easier because I know what I want. People like it when they’re around someone who knows what they want. I was able to eliminate the baseless conversations and actually have a chance to talk to people with substance.

Sometimes people aren’t all that and a bag of chips and I’ll tell you why

So on the app, I’ve come across some pretty douchey people. It’s not that they’re a flat out dick to me, but they have that douche aesthetic. Don’t waste your time on these kinds of people.

I just find it funny that they think that by just slinging around cockiness about them, they’re destined to get laid. Yeah, not happening with me.

So here are a couple of examples

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In this first photo, there’s no greeting, no compliments on my photos, just a humble brag about what this person says they are… I don’t know about y’all, but I was told to laugh at anyone who says they’re nine inches. MOVING ONNN…

 

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I decided to pull out the sassy card on this one and then this person proceeded to ask me for my snapchat. I used to give out my snapchat freely, but I feel that if you’re just talking for the first time, it’s best to go by phone number. Since tinder doesn’t allow you to send photos, I see the need in resorting to other means of sending photos and/or videos. But  the last thing anyone wants are unsolicited nudes…

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This one’s actually pretty clever… until I received another message with that same pick up line. I talked to them for a bit, but like I said before, I’d rather talk to someone who has substance to them, not someone who just wants to send nudes and text me whenever they feel like it.

Granted, I’ve had some pretty good conversations with some people on here. I hope this helps y’all and educates you on the do’s and don’ts of meeting online. If you have things that I haven’t mentioned here, feel free to drop a comment below!

Sending a ton of love and light your way,

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Cycles and Patterns

In life, we’re always in patterns we can’t shake, cycles we can’t break and it’s like Charlie Puth says in his song, “The Way I am”:

I’mma tell ’em all
I’mma tell ’em all that you could either hate me or love me
But that’s just the way I am… 

I get that and I totally feel the same way, but sometimes there are things we should learn for the better. If anything, what I’m trying to get at with this post, is that it is possible to break unfathomable cycles and learn a different approach to things we swear we don’t do.

So when I talk about cycles, I mean relationship cycles. About a couple of nights ago, I dug up my old journals from high school and some keepsakes. In a startling discovery, I noticed that a lot of the things that I went through in my adolescence has been an interesting cycle, that it was so telling of the situation I was in recently (more on that here).

Upon making this discovery, I was perplexed and shocked that I didn’t realize this sooner. Now I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but I do feel like these experiences that I have had with my relationships really helped me to grow, to learn from myself and from the people involved.  The thing with this cycle, however, was that some part of me felt that it was my fault that these relationships ended, that there was something I wasn’t doing. As I read and reflected on these experiences, I realized that I did all I could in a given situation: I communicated how I was feeling, I tried making the relationships work, etc. In the end, I realized, the problem wasn’t me, it was them.

I also noticed that for a while, that I was pretty lenient and gave out second chances like it was candy. As strong as I portray myself on here, I have been really lenient when it comes down to relationships, because I simply believe in the phrase:

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s meant to stay” or something to that effect.

But I guess what I’m trying to say is, there are exceptions to that phrase. What if the person you loved was someone who only comes into your life only when he/she/they feel like it?

I’ve realized, that that is not love. The way I see it, they’ve either loved you or they love you and are willing to be better the next time around. But keep in mind that not everyone gets a second chance, so even if you do think they’re better, but you don’t feel right about the person, you’re not obligated to give them a second chance.

The tough thing is though, there is no way to tell if said person is going to make a positive impact in your life.

You. Just. Don’t. Know.

Sometimes it’s better to rely on that, than on something that you’re so sure of happening (with little basis of knowing).

And I learned that, it’s okay to say that I’m not ready for another person to come into my life. It’s okay to say, after finding all of this out, that I still have a lot to learn about myself.

So far I’ve noticed that in a relationship: I’m the kind of person who will give you the literal time of day. If I fall for you, I fall hard. I’m broke half the time, but if I see something that makes me think of you, I’m buying it for you. Going on an adventure? No problem, I’ll bring blankets, my phone charger, and my camera. Essentially, I try to go the extra mile for those that I love.

But like I said before, I’m a work in progress. There’s still a huge chunk of my life that I want to experience that doesn’t involve a significant other, for the time being.

Why It Matters…

So you’re probably reading this and thinking, “what’s this gotta do with me?”

IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I mean, if you think about it, each and everyone of you reading this probably has a cycle, a pattern that you need to break. Whether it’s letting too many negative people into your life or pushing away the people you really care about, this isn’t just about you. It’s about you and the cycles that you engage in, subconsciously. A lot of times, it’s really hard to break something that is so common to your everyday being.

We pick up ways in how we react to things, because it’s so essential to us. It’s a coping mechanism, so that we have expectations going into a situation and the same outcomes from it.  To take it a step further, it makes us feel immune to getting hurt.

We don’t even think about the cycles that we engage in until someone tells us about it or in my case, stumble upon it while reading and reminiscing the fast times at high school.

It’s all about unlearning a thing that is so deeply rooted into the way that we are. It’s hard, but I promise you, it’ll be worth it.

The more you are able to re-evaluate something, the more you are able to grow and become a better person.

Sending loads of love and light your way,

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The Importance of Goal Setting

With the summer winding down and the excitement for school starting back up again, I thought today’s blog post should be about something surrounding the idea of goals and setting them, lol.

All jokes aside, this has been a post I’ve been meaning to do for a while, but haven’t had the right time, like now to go forth and talk about it.

We are more than halfway through 2018 and by now we have set goals, changed goals or given them up just because… life happens. And that’s totally okay, life has a way of diverting our focus away from our goals.

I don’t know about you, but my goals have been at the center of everything I do, everything I’m working towards. Goals are what keep us motivated. I mean, if you think about it, the concept of goals is so embedded into our lives, that we don’t even realize it.

In fact, the word ‘goals’ is often masked by other words like:

goals

Anytime we get a syllabus, the first part of it is always, “Objectives for this class…” and then the list commences.

But goals aren’t just things made to keep us motivated, they’re also things that help us see the big picture. With each goal or task that we accomplish in our lives, we are essentially paving the way for our future. Our dreams are what keep us moving, they keep us mindful, grounded even.

But the thing about goals, is that they have to be SMART goals. What I mean by that, is your goals have to be Specific Measurable Attainable Reliable and Time-bound.

A lot of times when we make-up our goals, we have a tendency to be super vague in what we want. It’s almost as if we want the end result, yet not wanting to put the work into said goal. I mean there’s always the possibility that we want to accomplish a goal, but we have no idea how to go about completing it or where to even begin.

Recently, I signed up for a 5k. I’ve never done a 5k before, but it’s been on my bucket list for a while.

I was doing an event one morning and there was this lady who was standing in the next table over from me, she was a representative of this foundation called the “Aubrey Foundation”. I asked her what the foundation does and she said that it was made in memory of a school teacher, named Aubrey Pappas, who taught sixth grade English at a North Brunswick school district. In 2014, Aubrey died in a car accident and was also pregnant at the time with her second child.

From the way this person told me the story, Aubrey sounded like such a sweet woman, who motivated her students to become better people and how becoming a better person is a huge key to success. She touched so many lives in her time as a teacher and as a person.

Aubrey’s husband is a cop for the town of North Brunswick and shortly after she died, he found her bucket list and saw that one of the things she wished to accomplish was a 5k. So from that moment on, with the help of family and friends, they vowed to #LiveLikeAubrey and The Aubrey Foundation was born. You can read more about what they do here.

It was really cool hearing that story and it even motivated me to get back on that 5k training grind! The thing about goals is that they can either be short or long term goals.

Short term goals are goals that are short (obviously lol) and easy to achieve in 3 months time. These kinds of goals can be anything, like waking up earlier in the morning, working out 2-3 times a week, going on more walks, etc. Smaller goals keep you accountable, they keep you on your toes and are a lot easier to accomplish, if you work towards them.

Long-term goals are more than short-term goals

and they often involve a life change or a change in mindset. Long-term goals could be: to graduate either magna, summa, or cum laude from college, to work for a well regarded company, to become a doctor, actuary, digital marketer, to live in a specific area, etc. Long term goals are normally things that you are working towards. Funny enough, long term goals need at least a couple of smaller goals to reach the ultimate goal!

An example of goal setting is meditation! Whenever I start a meditation practice, I make a rough list of all the goals I want to accomplish through meditation. Essentially, it’s a compiled list of internal changes I would want to work towards, like becoming more patient, losing weight, becoming more tolerant, etc. Then, out of the list of things I’d want to get out of the practice, I’d pick one that has been of high importance.

The more you focus on that goal, the likely it is for you to accomplish it. Meditation is made to help keep you at ease with the stresses of everyday life as well as making it easier for you to accomplish any aspirations you hold close to your heart.

With all that said, celebrate the small wins. If you’ve done something that gets you even an inch closer to completing your dream, then CELEBRATE!!!

What are some of your goals? Leave me a comment below!

Sending a ton of love and light your way,

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The Hook-Up Culture

Hey guys! This week has been a busy, between working events and working in the office, it’s been super productive and fun. The events that I get to work are great and the moments shared with my co-workers are never dull!

so…

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the four days I spent on tinder and the thing about the app is that it perpetuates a thing, known as the hook-up culture. Otherwise called ‘friends with benefits’, hook up culture is basically that. Two people who match on tinder (or any means of communication) and they meet up, have sex, do whatever and that’s it.

In fact, let’s consult with only the best dictionary for this word, shall we?

hook up urb

Again, since urban dictionary is a user-contributed website, this is the best definition its users have voted on… There was another definition for hook up, but that has nothing to do with the subject.

Okay, so I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of Hook-up culture. I don’t even understand how that would even work, what these bullshit ‘rules’ are, or why anyone would want to be involved in one, in the first place, if no relationship can come out of it?

Hypothetically speaking, if I were in a friends with benefits kind of relationship, I don’t think I could do it. With the way that I’m wired, I’m too into my feelings

But in all seriousness, knowing me and the way my mind processes things, I don’t think it’d be as easy to detach my emotions from the whole experience.

If you’re in one or have been in one in a while, let me know your point of view on the matter, in the comments below!

With that being said, I’m not looking down on people who have that kind of relationship going on with one person or even multiple people. In fact, it’s more like a thing I don’t really understand. What do you call you and the other person? your fuck buddy? How do you know that the feelings aren’t anything more than just that?

I don’t understand why people start off being fuck buddies and then later on realize that they develop actual feelings for each other.

Or how sometimes a girl will engage in a hook-up because she’s head over heels in love with a guy who only views her as the side piece and nothing else. What happens then when the guy is literally using a girl for his own sexual needs, but not for emotional companionship.

I get it, hooking up with people is just an easier way of saying “YEAH I JUST GOT WITH x AMOUNT OF PEOPLE”, and it’s all the craze, especially after a break-up because-let’s face it- you’d rather have your tongue down someone’s throat than take a step back and figure out what it is you want out of the next relationship.

Hooking up seems like the better option if you aren’t ready for another relationship. Coming out of a relationship (more on that here),especially a long one, makes you feel like you aren’t ready to give someone your all. It’s not a heart broken feeling, but it’s akin to more of an open space.

I remember that’s how I felt when I came out of mine, I’m down to meet new people, but I can’t really bring myself to hook up or engage in anything with anyone, because I know how I’d feel. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, I’d rather focus on my own damn self than on someone else, for the time being of course.

However, I don’t think hooking up with people is the “cure all” for breakups and heartbreak. If anything, I think using people, just to fill a void-that may take time (and only time itself) to heal-is just wrong and self-deprecating. I would never advise anyone to go out and have a grand old time with just anyone. If you’re my friend, I will tell you that you will find the person that you are looking for.

It may not be now. It may not even be tomorrow, but rest on the hope that there is someone out there for everyone. Life has a way of bringing in some of the most interesting people into your twenties, so learn from them and embrace the experiences with these new people.  Live your life and focus on yourself for a bit and see where that goes!

Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather wait for a long-lasting relationship, than be in a temporary fling that only lasts ten seconds minutes.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to you deciding whether or not you want the real thing or something close to it.

Sending a ton of Love and Light your way,

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The Growth Mindset

Bear with me a bit guys, it’s been a while since I blogged! Before I begin, I’d like to ask a question…

So has anyone been at a crossroads with a relationship? Or maybe you decided that you needed to make a decision that would work best for you.

In any case, if any of you has gone through something like this, you know that making a decision isn’t always the easiest thing to do… especially when it involves making changes to your life.

Well, shit, life is full of difficult decisions. Sometimes, these decisions are so difficult that you have to realize what would work best for your life going forward, all in a short amount of time.

For the first time in my life, I’ve had to decide what I needed, in the long run and that proved to be difficult, because it meant deciding what was important to me: my well-being or staying in a relationship with a significant other. All in a matter of 72 hours.

I realize that there were many factors that ultimately led up to the break-up; one of them simply being that we have grown apart. In life, we are often caught by surprise when we realize that what we once wanted, like a career or personality traits in a person, isn’t what we want anymore. We go in different directions, because whether you like it or not, we are constantly changing.

We are not the same people we were a few days ago.

We’re not even the same people we were a week ago.

Growing apart doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. The way I see it is, growing apart gives you the opportunity to grow as an individual. It’s life’s way of giving you a chance to find out what you like, what you look for in a person, and what you want your next relationship to consist of, etc.

Another thing that contributed to this was that I was face-to-face with a situation that, quite frankly could’ve been avoided, made me realize that I had to make a decision (yes, the same decisions as mentioned above).

After careful thought and advice from some of my best friends, I chose me. I chose my well-being, the desire to become a better person for my family, and for myself.

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Within those 72 hours, I gained so much clarity about the relationship I was in and realized that we want different things.

 

Originally, this post was going to be fueled with anger and empowerment, but this was all before I had a chance to even talk with the person. By the time we talked about it, I finally got a chance to understand why the relationship didn’t work out, what could’ve been better, what we noticed in each other, how the relationship went, etc. It was actually a liberating experience because I never really had that. I’ve always had break-ups end in misunderstanding and hate… all for no real reasons.

If you didn’t know, I’m a communications major and for me, it’s very important to see what another person’s point of view is. Communication is all about listening. It is an essential component in all relationships and I think that if we spent more time talking face-to-face, we would eliminate a misunderstanding (more on that here). Through learning and seeing where each other was coming from, this proved to be one of the most polite break-ups I have ever had.

A part of growing up is deciding who can stay in your life. Part of what choosing myself entails is that my happiness and well-being need to come first.

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After a break up, I get that it is hard to stay strong, no matter how good of a relationship it was, and it is hard to find some motivation to practice some self-love habits. I’ve been taught to get up and dust myself off after a relationship has ended.

My word of advice: don’t ever stop taking care of yourself, don’t quit going to the gym. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, but just keep in mind that you’re still the shit and realize that things happen for a reason!

Along with self-love, I needed to be okay with losing this person. I get that there are some people who can be friends with their exes and that’s great for those people, but that isn’t me.

I can’t stay friends with my exes. Trust me, I’ve tried.

I saw that if I wanted to move on, I can’t really be in correspondence with the person. In the best interest for myself, I can’t do it or else it gets too messy.

I want to be with someone who is willing to take me out to different places, every weekend. I want someone who is consistent, always keeps me on my toes. I want someone who is open to learning about a new culture. I want someone who surprises me, because I love surprises. Someone who challenges me, whether it be intellectually or whatever, I want someone who is encouraging in the most positive way possible. I want someone who shares my values, goals, someone who respects me and above all is accepting of how absolutely crazy I am.

With all that being said, I am in no rush to get into a relationship. For the time being, I’m going to focus on myself, learn about myself and stay off Tinder. When I start up at my new university, it’ll be a completely different experience and will be one that I can immerse myself in.

The way I look at is, it’s a beginning. A new chapter in my life. I’m only 21 and this gives me time to meet other people, and I’m totally on board with that.

Sending love and light your way,

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