Why Being Needy Isn’t Good

People can’t stand someone who is needy. I can’t stand a needy person. Being needed every once in a while is nice, but being needed all the time feels almost too draining. It is suffocating.

When I asked for a guy’s perspective on the matter, they said that being needy is flat out unattractive.

So here’s a scenario: say you like someone and you’re talking about them to all your friends, but you have no idea if this kid likes you or not.  You’re constantly giving them attention, without having any reinforcements showing you that this person really shares your feelings.

You are so dependent on them that you don’t realize how much you are actually hurting yourself. In short, being needy is not a good thing.

When you’re in a relationship, being too needy can lead to only one thing: the break-up.

Now this post aims to help you or someone you know, how to not be needy, what you can do instead, and how to be conscious of it in a relationship.

I’m not saying you should be so independent that you must show to everyone how un-needy you are, because where are people needed if you claim this? But what I’m saying is you have to be able to find a happy medium that isn’t too stand-off-ish or too needy, and that can be hard. So that’s where I come in.

You are dependent on a person, instead of on yourself

Being needy shows a lack of self worth. It shows that you depend on someone for your own happiness or sense of security. I have gotten so tired of hearing needy people say things like “My heart is aching for someone to love me” , “he is my world” or my favorite, “Woe is me, I am so tired of being left out in the cold with my heart broken”

Wake. The. F%^&. Up

You are a strong, man or woman. You are capable of having your own happiness, and having that same happiness stem from within yourself. You do not need to rely on someone who can “light up your world like nobody else”, light up your own world. You are in control of your own happiness.

Do you need someone to keep you warm at night? Not necessarily. Learn how to do that on your own. Learn to be alone and content with yourself. Sometimes, it is okay to focus on yourself, focus on what you need and how you can supply some of these things that you look for in a person (i.e warmth, love, cuddles, etc). Again, I am not saying that you have to be a lone wolf, but what I am saying is that you should learn to treat yourself with the same love and warmth as one would in a relationship, for the time being, until you find the right person.

Now, I’m gonna tell you a little story. As crazy as it sounds, I used to be needy.

WHAT?! ME?

Yes. you read correctly. I remember one time my freshman year in college, I sparked up a conversation with this kid and next thing I know, I’m texting him non-stop, feeling sorry for myself every time he didn’t answer me back, the whole enchilada.

But it turned out that I just liked the idea of him. I didn’t take into account the subtle social cues he was using to let me down easy.  I didn’t see or take into account how he made me feel, but instead fixated on how I was making him feel. So when I “fell for him”, I was surprised and crushed at the fact that he did not feel the same way.

Through many lessons I learned in my first year of college, I learned a lot about myself and how to be conscious of the neediness I had expressed. I am not a perfect person. I am still working on this and it has been so invigorating being able to see my worth in myself rather than on another person. Finding your worth is also a work in progress and something one should always strive for everyday.

Finding a happy medium between independent and needy

Being independent is one extreme, but being needy is another extreme.

So here is a pro and cons list of independent and needy

Pros

  • Pro of being independent: You rely on yourself and not on others to achieve your goals.
  • Pro of being needy: none

Cons

  • con of being independent:  If you’re too independent and insist that you don’t need help at all in accomplishing your goals, it makes you look bad. It makes you sound like you are so much better off without them. While it may not be what you say, it could be something that you do very often and vice versa.
  • con of being needy: what was just outlined before. If you rely on someone for your overall happiness, where does that leave you? You end up looking like an overly- obsessed girlfriend or boyfriend.

So please learn to be conscious of when you are needy with such actions as:

  • Texting/Calling bae or someone you’re ‘talking’ to more than three times a day.
  • Talking about the person you’re talking to when the other party hasn’t even asked about how your relationship is progressing.
  • Relying on them as your only source of happiness
  • Being a little impatient or jealous when you see a photo with another girl or guy who just is their friend.

Finding a happy medium in all of this could be as simple as not doing any of the behaviors I just listed.

This list could go on, but if you have anything to add on the matter, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comments below!

Thanks for stopping by!

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The Power of Respect

Hey guys so, I know it’s been a while, but I was just given this amazing opportunity to be able to give a talk today for this thing called a Read-in. We honored Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. So here is the piece that I decided to read yesterday!

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“The time is always right to do what is right.”- Martin Luther King Jr.

So today’s post is gonna be about the one thing that should be instilled in everyone from a young age but isn’t. There are going to be people in your life who genuinely either do not show you respect because of their lack thereof or they simply don’t know how to show you that respect because no one ever taught them.

Respect is a huge thing and quite honestly, it has been a huge thing for a while now. It is something that is so essential to everyday life, and so easy to do.

So why do people lack it?

Disrespect and ignorance kind of go hand in hand with each other. In today’s world, respect isn’t shown as much. They way you parent a child,

Like how do some people expect to be given respect, if it hasn’t even been earned? I mean, think about it, you can’t just walk into a position of authority and demand respect. That’s not how it works. You need to build that trust so that you can respect someone. If you want to be a better person, part of it has to do with being open to all opinions and respecting the opinions that may not be yours. Then again, you don’t have to agree with an opinion you don’t really see fit to your experiences.

Just respect their opinions and understand where they are coming from. You can’t really know what their experiences were, which is why you should always stay open minded and above all, be tolerant of those views.

Everyone has different experiences and come from all walks of life. You are given opportunities to meet these people everyday, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, and/or disability. R E S P E C T them, that’s all that anyone asks.

I feel like the more we respect, the more we can understand each other and listen to each others views, then we can learn about where other people are coming from based on their frames of reference.

By frames of reference I mean areas of knowledge, like general experiences we have had throughout our lives, that we can provide another insight or perspective on the matter.

We need to be open to those perspectives, respect one another and realize that we are all humans, who are capable of learning respect and tolerance. So begin today.

thank you.

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It was such an exhilarating experience to be able to listen to some of the poems that people found surrounding the topic of Martin Luther King Jr., the injustices in today’s society among many more. It’s amazing to see and learn a different perspective.

The Thing About Real Relationships

Relationships, they’re pretty special, ya know? Frankly for me, having that one person there for you in a time of need is a good feeling because they are someone who I can talk to and definitely count on. But I have one question…

What makes a good relationship?

A good relationship isn’t always the kind that you see publicized on social media. In my eyes, I don’t really see much importance in writing long captions about how amazing a significant other is all the time. It’s good every once in a while, but not all the time. I feel that it’s more than that.

A good relationship is something that has been built upon over a course of a few months, a few years. It’s the kind where you enjoy every minute you have with this person, you enjoy the conversations that take place and the endless amounts of things you can talk about with this person. Most of all, I think it also boils down to how this person makes you feel (check out my other post on this concept of Marrying The Right Person ) and what they see in you.

A good relationship with someone is where you can push them to become a better person and they can do the same thing. The way I see it, they should support you and be a positive influence in your life. They should be making time for you.

Now with every good quality, I’m just going to illustrate some things that should not happen in the relationship, some red flags if you will.

In a good relationship, what shouldn’t happen are the following:

  • rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one
  • focus is solely on physical intimacy
  • nonchalantly talking down on your significant other/ limiting them.
  • Not spending enough time with them

These are just a few things on the long list of red flags that really stand out to me. Regardless of how obvious each one is, we are just going to treat them with an equal amount of importance. So lets go into detail with each one!

Rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one

This is something that I have seen time and time again… We live in such a fast paced world where we are starting to notice that everything  from electronics and social media is moving at the speed of light. But that doesn’t mean that forming a relationship should be as fast. When you meet someone for the first time, they become an acquaintance. The more you see them, you naturally work towards becoming friends and then seeing if they really align with what you look for in a person. Keep in mind that this doesn’t happen overnight. This happens over time. I feel like more meaningful relationships can be made if people actually took their time with someone.

My main rule of thumb is: make sure that you set down a strong foundation for the relationship. Once you and the other person are in agreement that you want a relationship to come out of this foundation stage, work towards it. When you set down a foundation for the relationship, you are in control of how long you both want to relationship to be.

Don’t rush into the relationship with the sole purpose of filling a void, enter the relationship with the sole purpose of finding someone who shares your similar beliefs and helps you to see another perspective.

Focus is solely on physical intimacy

So it’s one thing to rush into a relationship, but it’s another to completely SKIP the whole relationship aspect and jump straight to physical intimacy. I wouldn’t really call it a ‘relationship’ per se, because quite frankly, it is complicated and there is always one person in this who catches, what I like to call, the feels. This is a very depreciating cycle, in that you are willing to give your body up to someone whenever they want, but you aren’t willing to be with someone who will give you more than just that. You want to be with someone who isn’t just good for your body, but good for you as a whole. You deserve that.

Also take into account the fact that at some point, you are going to have to talk about why this physical intimacy has become a thing between you and the other person. What are you expecting to come out of this? A relationship? Something else? Make these known to your partner, because its one thing to go into this thing not knowing what can come out of it and its another to come out feeling like you wasted your time. If you’re seeking a real relationship, then why are you wasting time with someone who only wants ten minutes of a good time?

Nonchalantly Talking Down on your significant other/ Limiting them

This is a big no-no in my book. In my lifetime, as well as everyone else’s, I’ve been talked down by my exes, whether it be my appearance or what I’ve wanted to be.

Sometimes, these words don’t mean much coming from the lips of this person, but to you, those words are unnecessary and not at all the kind of help you are hoping to get from someone. Especially if its coming from someone whose opinions you value. But if you know that something you say could be taken the wrong way, make sure that you let the other person what you are trying to say and from there you can have an understanding between you and the person.

On another note, It’s fine if you don’t agree with something your significant other says, but its another thing to disagree AND talk down on their views. That’s another no-go. As humans, we should be able to listen to each other, it doesn’t always mean that we have to agree with everything that they have to say, but make note of the areas of where they make valid points. Think about ways where you can add to those valid points. Find a common ground between you and the person. A major part in communication, is our ability to listen to each other and understand what they mean. Honestly, I feel that there is not a lot of that going on these days.

Another thing to note is the aspect of limiting someone. Limiting people and stopping them from what they really have a passion for, is a BIG red flag. You want to be with someone who wants to be there for you in all stages of your success. If someone has a passion for something that you see them having a talent for, then LET THEM DO IT. I don’t see why anyone would want to be a road block in your path, if it’s something that you set out to do. Always be supportive, because they probably lack that support at home.

Not spending enough time with each other

Now, this right here, is a huge red flag. I don’t care if the person you are with is busy all the time. If they care about you and love you, they will make a way to come and see you. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you’re in a long distance relationship, then time is of the essence, especially because on the days you may have break, the first thing you’d want to do is see your significant other. That’s the main part of the relationship, actually spending time with the person you love.

If they aren’t putting in the time to make the relationship flourish and grow, then that’s a red flag in my book. The bottom line is if you or the other person can’t pencil each other in on days that you are free, then where is your free time going?

I mean think about it from the stand point of a long distance relationship, every once in a while you should make a plan with your person to talk or even video chat!(because we have that now!) You don’t necessarily have to talk everyday, because maybe work calls for some extra hours or school requires a little bit more of studying some nights.

However, always remember this: every little bit of time counts. So put in the time if you haven’t been doing so already and show your boo how much you care about them.

Take notes, everyone! Work hard in your relationships and be a better person for your significant other!

Let me know what you think and if I should do more of these pieces in the comments below! thanks!

The Power of Communication

“It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.”

I’m sure we’ve all heard this at least once in our lives. We, as human beings learn from a very young age how to communicate using various sounds, movements that facilitate a message that lets the other party know what it is we want.

As we get older, we learn that communicating the way that we used to, doesn’t always work and we have to resort to another means of communication: using our words to convey what we want. The amazing thing about communication, though, is the fact that it is never ending. Communication episodes (just a fancy term for conversations), as they’re called, are not just complete with verbal communication, but nonverbal communication, as well.

Sometimes what isn’t said, is shown. For example, you could be having a communication episode with another person who is talking about cars. You’re not too interested in cars, but you try to stay engaged in the conversation. You might ask questions so that it looks like you’re engaged. Making eye-contact is a nonverbal and with that it indicates that they have your undivided attention. But let’s throw in the fact that this person just won’t shut up about the specific parts they used to make their “baby”, your nonverbals begin to show. In other words, you tighten up, you are taking deep breaths. I mean it’s only a matter of time before you practically explode. Then again, through those nonverbals, you are giving off the impression that you are losing interest in the subject matter. So what do you do?

Do you listen to this person drone on, despite already being impatient? or Do you try to change the subject?

When you listen on, your nonverbal communication can gradually increase. Your actions could go from being just impatient to impatient and pissed. So that is a no-go.

Changing the subject would be a better idea because not only are you allowing time for yourself to come up for air, you can talk about things that you and the other person have a common interest in.

Wow. The second answer was so seamless! Yeah. Surprisingly, a lot of conflict can be avoided with proper communication.

Granted, how you say things and how you phrase them, are also part of the battle. So here is a scenario…

Original:  “Matty is being a dick, he says he doesn’t want to be seen with me, yet his actions say otherwise”

How you said it: you don’t like how this guy is treating you, by the looks of it, he could be using you.

How you phrased it: condescending tone; visibly frustrated, tired of a constant pattern that is taking shape.

What can be done to remedy a misunderstanding like this…?

COMMUNICATION BETWEEN BOTH PARTIES!!!

Solution: talk to this Matty person, tell him that he is making you feel like crap and that you don’t want to be playing this game where he doesn’t know what he wants.

Essentially by telling the person how they made you feel, you are then able to make your emotions known to the other person. Simple. But not a lot of people do it. If you think about it, not making your emotions known to someone, reinforces the belief they have that everything is okay. Regardless of what kind of relationship it is. You’re not in high school anymore, so quit assuming and reading too much into what another person is saying to you.

Here’s another scenario:

Original: “Oh my god, Tiffany just texted me this! She says that I ‘can’t hang’, how rude. ugh this calls for a petty response!”

How you said it: You’re surprised at this chick’s response and by the looks of it, you’re not sure what she meant, so your first instinct is to go full-on bitch mode.

How they phrased it: Shaken after reading a text; deciding to go full bitch mode, but also not sure about going that route.

This is another example of another kind of misunderstanding.

Solution: Why don’t you ask, “hey what did you mean when you said *insert their comment here* ?”. Explain how he/she made you feel when they said that and hopefully from there, you two can come to an understanding. Also, don’t resort to text message, if you know that your statement could be taken both ways. Better yet, if you’re not sure if something sounds wrong, then don’t send it. Instead, wait for the next time to talk to the person or if you don’t have the luxury of seeing them, call them up.

Bottom line: Communication is the key to healthy relationships. It is always necessary. Even though verbal communication ends when the conversation ends, nonverbal communication doesn’t. The way that we should navigate misunderstandings and miscommunication is by looking for a common ground so that both parties can be heard and understood.

Sending lots of love and light your way!

Marrying The Right Person

So not too long ago, I watched a TED talk about how you can find the person you really need to marry.

TV writer of Mad Men and United States of Tara, TEDx presents: Tracy McMillan.

She starts her TED Talk with an interesting hook, that held my attention throughout the TED Talk, then again, Tracy is a TV writer. So this lady knows a thing or two about a thing or two, based on the experiences that she has had in her life.

She starts off by talking about the common song that we have heard (during our childhood) from our friends whenever we were in the presence of someone we liked:

“Tracy and so-and-so sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!”

I mean I feel like all of us have heard this at some point or another. At a young age, you think that those are definitely the keys (brings in the Godfather of keys: DJ Khaled) to life. To fall in love, get married, and to have children. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work out like that. It’s complete with its twists, turns, and not to mention, downfalls. In my eyes, that’s what makes it interesting.

Anyway, so McMillan puts up on the big screen how her life really panned out. She was married 3 times and out of the three marriages with men, she had a child with one of them. Divorced three times. Falls in love much later. Etc Etc. The one thing I found very interesting about this TEDx Talk, in particular, was how openly candid and positive McMillan was about her experiences in life. To me, it shows how far she has come since that time.  It’s like saying, “yeah it was shit, but I wouldn’t change the outcome of these events.” Amazing.

Time and time again, I always hear people say, ‘oh I regret all the time I spent with such-and-such person’ or something like ‘so-and-so has been an awful person throughout our whole relationship, I hope he catches an STI and dies’. That is no way to live. The events in our lives happen for a reason.  Turn a negative situation, into a positive one.

After she has a third divorce in 2005, she realized she had been marrying everyone in sight, except for the one person she needed to marry. Herself. After her many, many errors in her love life, she finally found the one thing that would change her life in a positive way. This idea became known as: Marrying Yourself. How??? As with any relationship you start off with anyone, you apply that same concept to yourself. You build a relationship with yourself and basically put a ring on it. You commit to yourself and realize that no one, nothing will come between the relationship you have with yourself. As with any kind of relationship, you make it work, you work at this relationship until you feel whole. Until you feel that you can take the next step in the relationship, taking vows for yourself.

McMillan then says that “the places where you have the biggest challenges in your life, become the places where you have the most to give.” She opens up about her life. Her parents weren’t around as much (I don’t want to go into too much detail, as I will post the link to the video at the end of this post) and she was put into the foster care system.

By the time she got out of the foster care system, she had one goal in mind and that was to never be left alone. A way she would accomplish said goal was to get married. She got married at 19 and was thrilled that she found a man who was successful and was a part of his family. 5 years later she leaves him. 10 years later she finds a new man and she gets married. She had a child with him and to this day she still has a great relationship with her now ex-husband. She makes a point about how in the process of learning to love yourself, you have to do be painfully honest to yourself. 8 years later, she gets married a third time. She then breaks it down further. Mind you, she didn’t have the best upbringing, so no one showed her what a healthy relationship between two people looks like or felt like. So when she got married the third time she says that it felt right. What felt right was the idea that she held about being in a relationship, being married. To her, being in a relationship with someone, it meant that she would be secure, that she wouldn’t have to be alone, because she had a companion to share it with.

This is where a lot of people are wrong. I learned not too long ago, that a relationship should be the overflow of your already full cup of tea. If you expect someone to fill your cup, i.e to be your one source of happiness, then you are placing a higher expectation on this particular person. When they leave, you’re still going to be left with you. Left with just an empty cup. Work on making yourself happy and then look for a man.

What McMillan is saying is that when you marry yourself, you’re not just going to date yourself and see where it ends up. You’re going to make sure you keep your promises. Yep, that’s right!  Vows. For richer or for poorer, you are going to love yourself from right. Where. You. Are. Think about it this way, you wouldn’t say to yourself: “when you make it big in Hollywood, then I’ll marry you”. The same thing goes for changing your appearance, you wouldn’t say to yourself: “Once you drop those 15 pounds, then I’ll love you”. NO! You become your own boyfriend/girlfriend. You respect yourself. You shouldn’t be a bitch to yourself. When you marry yourself, you walk yourself down the aisle, exactly where you are. For better or for worse. It’s so easy to love yourself in the times that you feel good about yourself. Some examples are (but are not limited to):

  • new hair cuts/ good hair days
  • Getting a job that aligns with your career
  • losing weight/ gaining muscle

That list could go on… But the worst, is the part we should be focusing on. Sometimes, in life, stuff never goes how you expect it will go. You could plan and schedule down to the exact minute and shit still wouldn’t go as well as you would think it would ( for more on this concept check out What Happens When We Act on Our Expectations? ). The worst is what we fear, but what we have to take into account is that, it is a part of life. Shit happens. Sometimes a relationship doesn’t work out. You didn’t get the dream home you hoped to get. Maybe you didn’t graduate from college. Maybe you have a falling out with your family. Maybe you spend too much of your time being angry and less of your time working through that anger. Whatever it is, Just know that this is all temporary. You agree to marry yourself at all costs.

Life doesn’t give you what you ask for, it gives you people, places, situations and things for you to develop the skills you asked for.

In sickness and in health: You need to get to a point where you can sit by your own bedside, nurse your own broken heart and realize that the only person who has you, is you, to have and to hold. To love yourself the way you want someone to love you.

When you make the decision to marry yourself, you are then able to love someone from where they are, for who they are. The same way you love yourself.

When you go out on dates, you shouldn’t be thinking about how you are coming off to the person, instead, think about how you feel in their presence. Do they make you feel good? Does a calming effect take place the moment you lay eyes on them? Be so committed to yourself, that you become more interested in how you feel about you, rather than how he/she feels about you.

Check out the video below!

The Person You Really Need to Marry

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