Cutting Ties

I don’t know about you, but there comes a point in life where we need to cut people who have gone dormant in our lives.

Why should I even spend time thinking about people who really don’t spend a second thinking about me? If someone genuinely cared, they would reach out. I recently realized that it’s okay to cut out anyone who isn’t playing a positive role in your life or is leaving you hanging every time.

Family included. Crazy. But not uncommon.

On Christmas eve, my family and I went to go drop off gifts at a relative’s house. As we pull in, we saw the car of a family member that basically shut themselves off from the family. We walk in, lo and behold said family member was sitting at the table, eating

“Feliz Navidad” (Merry Christmas), they said.

My brother and I went to go say hi, talk with them and another family member. Before I knew it, it was time for us to leave. Through the brief conversation, here’s what was exchanged:

“Wow, did you cut your hair? looks cute.”

“Yeah, I did, thanks.”

By that point, I had to leave. So I basically told this person to not be a stranger.

But how can I tell someone to not be a stranger, if they’ve already made the decision to be one? How can someone just wake up one day and just shut themselves off from someone?

It’s surprisingly simple and unfortunately, it happens more often than not. The other day this week, I went on a LITERAL delete/unfollow/unfriend-ing spree on ALL my social media accounts. I had already made a mental list of all the people I don’t talk to, people who I have given endless chances, people who don’t deserve my time, etc. It’s not worth wasting my energy, getting mad and bent out of shape over them. I distance myself from people like this.

Distancing myself from someone is a way of saying to them “hey yeah, I dropped you, now let’s see if you care as much as I did”. Not only that, but it also shows that I’ve finally chosen myself over the person and as sad as it is, that is my choice to let them go. If the person, however, notices then it’s a good thing because then you can clear the air with them. Communication is key in every relationship.

Granted, in deleting all the people from my life, I didn’t take it as “I hate them, so let me unfollow them, because they piss me off”. I don’t hate anyone nor do I hold any grudges. What is the point in holding a grudge about something someone did months/years ago? While they’re out living their best life, you’re here, hating them and what they did to you ages ago. You are hurting yourself more than the person you’re hating. Make the choice to forgive.

Forgive them and also forgive yourself. Sometimes in forgiving them and yourself, you make the decision to cut ties or continue your relationship with the person. With some people, you shouldn’t make the rash decision of cutting someone out of your life, if you’re not in the right head space or have yet to forgive them and what they did to you, then hold off on doing so. You don’t have to say anything to them. But also keep in mind, cutting someone out of your life is a mental and emotional process.

I mean think about it, if you don’t see anything positive coming from the relationship you have with the person or you simply don’t talk anymore (because let’s face it we all get caught up in life), then cut them off. What good is having a person who won’t call you, catch up with you, in your life? You have the choice to end the friendship, relationship, whatever, and just move on. In this way, you are able to make room in your life for people who definitely see it the way you do, will give you the satisfaction of catching up with you and be a positive influence in your life.

Sometimes it hurts, but it hurting is part of the healing process and a fact of life. If you want to move forward in your life, what is holding you back? Is it the grudges that you hold against other people? If so, learn to Let. It. Go.

You deserve people in your corner, but most of all, you deserve all the good that there is in this world.

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What Happens When We Act on Our Expectations?

Awhile back, I had watched an interesting TED talk by Psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer about how we don’t really act on what we want, but rather on our own expectations of things. It’s a subconscious thing. We’ve probably heard the saying “Thoughts become things” at some point, right? Well basically if we think about an event coming up, like a date, a party, a festival, etc, If we keep thinking about how everything is going to be great, then chances are, it will go right, because you already made it clear that this is going to be your moment or your time to shine. Sometimes, however, we have terrible feelings about how the event will go that it becomes a subconscious thing where you’ll do or say certain things that really enhance the negative feeling.

So say you play the lottery, you’re just trying your luck, and you find out later on that day that you won. What do you do? Was this what you expected would happen? No, of course not. You weren’t expecting to win, you were just playing for shits. In this example, our expectations of certain things don’t really align with what we want.

Then again, when we think something isn’t going to go well, it can sometimes end up going better than expected and vice versa.

What I’m trying to say is that this concept can be applied in just about everything from relationships to events/experiences. Vilhauer goes on to say that she had a client who was gorgeous and accomplished and decided to give online dating a try. Once the client received matches and started going out on dates, the guys that she went out with either weren’t who they looked like in their profile photo, forgot their wallets, or just wouldn’t show up at all whatsoever. Through all these dates, the client began to settle with the terrible dates. They became her expectations.

At one point, she had agreed to go out on a date with this one guy after her yoga class. She, thinking that the date wouldn’t go well, arrived at this cafe to meet up with this guy. The guy was a well-groomed, all-around great guy and the client basically didn’t know how to act. Because she had gotten so used to such terrible dates, she never once thought that she might actually land a pretty decent guy. So the whole time, she stared at the ground and felt really self-conscious. At some point during the date,  she told the guy that she needed to put more coins in the meter and just left the date.

The bottom line was: he was great, but given the fact that she had no idea how to act in a situation like this, it was something new and out of the ordinary for her. I mean, think about it: put yourself in her shoes, shes gorgeous but over time she realized that she wasn’t worth those second dates or a decent man who wouldn’t forget his wallet. Imagine how that must feel. Pretty shitty, right?

Vilhauer then poses a scenario to the audience like:

Say you’re going on vacation to a tropical island.

She then asks something along the lines of: How is what I am expecting, making me feel?

This question not only brings into mind the idea of the future, but it also brings to mind how you feel about a specific thing in the future. This gives you a chance to be in tune with your mind and body.

If you’re like me and are down for a new adventure to a tropical island, then there’s nothing to do. If you’re having positive thoughts and feelings about the whole thing, then you’ve already achieved the goal.

If you’re anxious for this trip, then she follows up with another question: What would I like to have happen instead?

Here, you address to alternatives that go with what you’re comfortable with. What you really do want in the situation. What you want isn’t really what you expect. She then goes back to the example of winning the lottery : you want to win, but you don’t expect to win

She then asks: What do I need to do to make what I want happen?

She says that when we have a negative expectation, we think about all the things that would go wrong. Your aren’t really generating any thoughts and/or ideas about this experience going right.  You begin to see a shift in your thinking once you generate some positive thoughts. In other words, what can go right?

Vilhauer had a client who was depressed and they had been doing a ton of work together, to help this person gain some coping skills and be better equipped with what life throws at them, but nothing really seemed to be working. So Vilhauer posed the question, “Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?” The client looked at her with a puzzled expression. When you’ve been depressed for a while, you don’t really think about the future, you just see everything as a big black hole. It’s like time goes by, but you feel like you still hang in the middle of it, not going forward or backwards, but staying there. So Vilhauer began to pose a variation of this question to many more of her clients, she recalled that she received the same response. Five years later, this is where she began to pioneer a new approach to counseling, called Future Directed Therapy (FDT).

I find this stuff amazing that psychologists like Dr. Vilhauer are changing the way they approach a patient’s unique illness or issue in life. The more we have this, the more we will have psychologists and mental health professionals provide a more interpersonal approach to each patient they treat, which is absolutely fascinating! You focus on what you want, keeping in mind that your expectations should align with your wants.

Check out the video!

10 Gift Ideas For The 20-Somethings In Your Life

Hey everyone! This post is not Christmas gift ideas, but rather gift ideas for people whose birthdays are AFTER Christmas, like mine (Aquarius in the houuuse!).

Are you tired of walking around aimlessly in brick and mortar stores looking for the perfect gift to give your sarcastic 20-something? Well look no further. I got just what you need and you don’t even need to set foot out the door!! So let’s get started!

So all of these things are going to be quick amazon buys that you can access from your tablet, smartphone, or computer.

Number 1: If you know your 20-something and they aren’t the greatest with placing things in their place, like their car keys, house keys, etc. you should definitely get them the Tile Mate-Key Finder

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With this Tile Mate, which can be clipped onto your car keys, you can actually set it up with an app that is similar to the find my iPhone app. It’s the same concept but if you know your 20-something is always missing something important, you should gift them with security from Tile.

Number 2: I used to drop my phone a lot and it wasn’t until I realized the consequences of that were pretty bad. I ended up getting a new phone and the one thing I made sure I had was a PopSocket

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There are so many colors to choose from and  they are so easy to use! All your 20-something has to do is just remove the backing and attach the pop socket to the back of their phone! Not only does this help to prevent falls, but it also works as a nice kickstand for whenever your 20-something wants to watch their favorite shows!

  • Use promo code: 50IAHFUEA  on a Jaagd iPhone X case

Number 3: If your 20-something is always on their phone taking selfies, doing work, or exploring life through every music festival, then it might be a really good thing to get them a… Portable Power Bank

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These things are honestly the best thing you can ever get for yourself or a loved one. They are so easy to use too! All you have to do is connect the USB charging cable to the power bank and connect it to your phone. BAM there you have it: your phone is charging on those day long festivals out in the west (yeah, I see you Coachella).

Number 4: If you always notice that your 20-something is all stressed and over worked from work, school, or just everyday stresses, make sure they make it a priority to unwind in 2018 and gift them something that will generate peace and relieve stress with an Essential Oils Diffuser 

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Essential oil diffusers are the best. There are so many essential oils to choose from and all you do is fill it up halfway with some water and add a couple of drops of the essential oils, turn on the diffuser and just watch as their worries drift away. It’s so easy to use and the best part is, YOUR 20-SOMETHING WON’T EVER NEED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE or set foot in a spa! Number 5: Essential oils sold separately here

Number 6: For the photographer in your life, why don’t you get them something that is a blast from the past, yeah that’s right, a Fujifilm Instax Mini 9 Camera

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I actually have an Instax mini 8 and it’s honestly one of my prized possessions. I love anything that involves taking photos and keeping memories alive. If your 20-something is somewhat like me and loves to document every moment, every memory then get them this awesome camera.

Number 7: For the artist in your life, get them pens that’ll last and that’l give them the creative-edge they have always dreamed of, get them the Arteza Real Brush Pens and send them on their way to an artsy future. Who knows where it’ll take them, but one thing is for sure, you would be the one to help them get there.

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One reviewer said, “Colors darken and don’t blend to well unless u dip the top of the brush on water to get that real water color look and feel but this set is still amazing and worth it! I use both with water and without.”

Number 8: Sketchbooks sold separately here

Number 9: If you have a loud and extroverted 20 something, gift them with something that expresses that, like a FANNY PACK!!!

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Haha in all seriousness guys, I would totally buy this for myself, it is so extra, just like me, and fun. I can wear it with anything, I can wear it to the beach. Who the hell says that fanny packs are overrated?! Say what you will, but fanny packs have always been a staple to me. Get one for yourself or someone extra in your life, here

Number 10: On the self care side, if you see that your 20-something is in desperate need of some TLC, then this is for them. Burt’s Bees is literally THE BEST when it comes to taking care of oneself! This TLC kit comes equipped with Burt’s Bees essentials, like the deep cleansing cream, hand salve, body lotion, nice little lip balm, and foot cream! A gift like this will definitely lift their spirits!

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Get it here

Let me know what you guys think about some of these gift ideas!

Thanks for reading!

The Drawbacks of Social Media

Hey, I know its been a while, I’ve been so busy with end of the semester stuff, but I’m happy to be back on here doing what I love! I hope you enjoy what I have put together in this post!

So Social Media… Is it all it’s cracked up to be? What’s its purpose? Is it used to show people up?

The whole purpose that social media serves is for us to keep in contact with the people we have had the pleasure of knowing throughout the years. but because life happens, we don’t have the privilege of seeing them as much as we’d like. That’s why creators of many social media sites like Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and the like have created these platforms because they had a concept that we resonated with: we want to stay in contact with friends from childhood, family, and colleagues. But in the process of doing all of that, have we become so connected to the social media world, that we forget about the real world face to face contact we should be having with someone?

I watched this video on Facebook about the effects that social media has on our society, a while back(ironic, right?). In the 3-5 minutes of this video- that’s how long it was- it outlined the main problem with social media: as we become more connected to what’s happening, we’re passing up face to face contact with people and plugging into a world where we think we’re connecting with people, via (*insert Social Media site here*) but in reality it could be drawing us apart.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I live under a rock and refuse to use social media. I use social media and personally, for an outgoing person like myself, I find absolute joy in posting pictures and sharing little snippets of my life.

But there comes a point where there should be some level of privacy. Like for example, I used to post just about anything and everything I was doing on Facebook, who’s birthday it was on Instagram (before they had that ‘stories’ feature), and any random thing on Twitter. I began to plug myself in and realize that these likes were ones that would determine my worth and I thought that the more I’d share, the more recognized I would be. In all seriousness though, now I look back at this and just think “boy, was I naive or what?”. There are certain things that should definitely be kept on the DL(down-low). Like if you are out with bae on a date, don’t snapchat your whole date with the world, because where is the fun in date night if you’re too focused on your post?

Part of the reason why I stopped posting a whole lot on social media was because I realized that in the end it doesn’t matter who liked my post and I really shouldn’t seek validation from a group of people who really only like a status update or a picture for the sole purpose of approval. I stopped caring a long time ago about it. Now, I’ll login to Facebook, post something new, some pictures from an adventure, or share something that really speaks to me, etc. but that’s it. I don’t worry too much because frankly it takes up too much head space. I don’t go on social media as much, and that is well within my rights.  On some days, I’ll post highlights and on other days, when I am doing something exciting, I’ll document the whole day. But it’s all in moderation.

Back on the subject of seeking validation, I learned that back when I took a Mass Communications course, my professor told me that there is a theory called Social Comparison Theory. Social Comparison Theory is a psychological theory that happens as we are looking at magazines, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat,(basically engaging in any form with the media) and we base our own self-worth on how we stack up against others. We look at these posts and think, wow that’s really cool how her bathing suit fits her or wow that vacation house looks like a dream. Sometimes, when we take it too far, it becomes a problem. That’s part of how eating disorders, mental illnesses, and other stresses happen. The media can be a dark place.

You have to keep in mind that while all these photos look glamorous and professional, they’re only showing you one perspective of their world. Sometimes, Social media sites can be a little biased, in that the people who share bits and pieces of their lives,  they only will post the photo that holds up this outer layer of ‘how ‘glamorous’ their lives are. You don’t know what could be going on in their lives. So don’t always assume that someone has a life that you dream of living, because there could be some underlying issues that they refuse to talk about with the rest of the world. In short, people will most likely post about whatever successes they have had in their lives. So just because you see someone having a greater success than you, doesn’t mean that you haven’t had any successes of your own. Never compare yourself to people. You’re doing all you can to achieve your goal and they’re doing all they can to achieve their own.

I like to think we all live some pretty cool lives. Each person you have that follows you has an opportunity to see a little bit of your world. Don’t down play that. Always keep in mind that, there is more to life than being on social media the whole time. When you choose to disconnect from it, life can be just as, if not more, fun.

Backing It Up

Happy Thursday y’all! I hope everyone is doing FANTABULOUS TODAY! I mean amidst all the piles of work I have to get done and not to mention finals coming up, I am well and good! I hope you all are doing well!

I know what you’re thinking, this title is kiiiiiinda misleading. In this post, I am not talking about backing that booty up, please, what kind of blogger do you think I am? haha. Seriously though, what I mean by backing it up is searching for your sources. My one rule of thumb: look at things objectively rather than subjectively. Take everything you hear about someone or something, with a grain of salt. Lately, I’ve been doing just that. I used to fall for anything and everything people have said to me, about me, which in the end, didn’t make me too much of a happy camper. Thankfully, I have learned about myself , since then and have realized that there’s always more to the story.

Back in high school, I was pretty naïve. By that, I mean I was pretty gullible, anyone could fool me and tell me the tip of the iceberg, maybe even enough of a story to get me to be on their side, because it’s high school. What better way is there than to get people on your side and have them pit against the other person, right? Most of the time, I would get my stories wrong and not have adequate back up, so I would most likely start forming my opinions without even bothering to hear the other side of the story.

That has gotten me into trouble… Many times… Mainly because I would speak too soon and say stupid shit I didn’t mean.

But If you want to know the whole story about someone you know, go to the source, the person themselves. Because getting the story through another person, as we may do so often, is kinda like the game Telephone, where the thing that was originally said in the beginning eventually changes as you literally pass the message down the line. What you start with, i.e the truth, isn’t exactly what you end with, i.e an over exaggerated truth from what the story actually is.

My big rule of thumb: Until you get the whole story, don’t say shit

I recently caught up with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in the longest time. I’ve heard a bunch of stories about them and It honestly got to be too much. I had to go to the source and know what their side of the story was, before I could start forming my own opinions. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the story that was told because it is not my story to be shared with the world. What I will tell you is that what I had heard from them definitely changed my perception of what I thought about the whole situation.

What shocked me the most was the fact that people are willing to hear from people who weren’t directly involved with the situation. It’s like you’re getting a comment from the peanut gallery. What’s more is that if you rely on the story told by other people, chances are you’re going to be having the same opinions that they had. Their reaction, becomes your reaction.

Like I’ve said before in my previous posts, I am a genuine person, so in order to have a genuine opinion, you best believe that I’m going to go straight to the source, now.

Would you rather go off and get a story that you heard from someone else or would you rather go straight to the source and form your own opinions based on the real thing?

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